London, UK – Experts have warned the UK is edging towards a “sexual health crisis” following cuts to STI testing services, as cases of syphilis and gonorrhoea have soared.
“Now Europe can’t tell us what to stick our [expletive deleted]s in!” shouted a United Kingdomer. “I’m off to the hardware store! You know, to get a bunch of stuff to stick… what? No, I’ll make it fit. Come on, mate, they can’t tell us so it’s time to get to stickin’ whilst the stickin’s good! Spare a fiver?”
“Health was never our strong suit,” said a British doctor. “Just look at us. No, take a good look.” After a few moments he added, “now you see, right? The dirt? It won’t come off.” In the interest of full disclosure, we picked this specific doctor for an interview because he was wildly drunk at a local pub and was saying crazy stuff all night.
The experts also warn “don’t swim until forty five minutes after eating”, “don’t pick your nose so much” and “would it kill you to eat a few more vegetables? No, the answer is it won’t.”
“Unfortunately, we expect the rate of sexual contact to rise dramatically,” said a French doctor. “Mostly because the people of Britania are now free.” He gave a long sigh, adding, “sweet, sweet freedom. Well, it’s been an hour, time to pay the Eurozone.” He cut his hand and dripped some blood into a cup marked, ‘Eurozone.’ It was pretty dramatic.