Tampa, FL – According to satellite averages, this month was the second largest second month drop in global average satellite temperatures.
“If temps drop it means they have no where to go but up!” exclaimed a scientist. “Which means global warming is real! Which means we’re all doomed because of things we have no control over! Yes, I’m talking about China and developing country’s massive polluting and the destruction of forests in second and third world countries! Hey, can you put exclamation points at the end of everything I say? This way they’ll think I have a lot more energy than I really do! Energy!”
“That totally fits into what I’ve been posting!” said that Facebook friend that makes everything into a political argument. “We all know Bush’s illegal war contributed to global warming, which will raise the oceans by a few feet in a decade.” When we pointed out that the prediction was more than a decade old, she yelled, “corporate shill!”
NATO called the averages “attack worthy”, “nukable” and “let’s attack now, before we draft next year’s budget. Yes, mother, it’s always about the budget. Oh, like you’re keeping track. To war!”
“Well, looks like we’re all good here,” said a man. “Let’s get back to doing what we’re supposed to be doing, which was…” He looked at his watch, adding, “I’m sorry, I gotta just check Facebook and Twitter real fast before finishing this thought.” That’s exactly what he did.
Fresno, CA – Officials say a searing heat wave is fueling at least a dozen wildfires across the West and has killed at least five people.
“Finally!” said a reporter. “Some deaths! We were all worried that no one was going to die from this heat. I mean, what’s the point unless we can yell about death?” He took a deep breath then yelled, “so many people are going to die! This is literally the best day of my life! Yes, above my children’s birth and my parent’s deaths! This doesn’t make me a horrible person!”
“I never knew that it could get so hot,” said an elderly man. “I’ve lived here my whole life and I’ve never experienced this. Unless… was it hot last year? Well, maybe I pass out every year from the heat and then forget. It could be a thing, right? Wait, who are you? Sure, you can have the money. Will you take a check?”
The Fire Department called the fire “hot”, “wild” and “are you seriously coming to us for a statement about fire? What do you think we can tell you that you don’t already know? And haven’t you considered the fact that you’re wasting our time with interviews when we could be fighting the fire? Yes, look down in shame. Shame.”
“That’s for the update, mister!” yelled a kid. “No, I’m being sarcastic, you stupid [expletive deleted]! Yeah, I do kiss my mom with this mouth. That’s one more girl you’ll never kiss, you [expletive deleted]ed [expletive deleted]!” He continued to say some very hurtful things, so we left.
Los Angeles, CA – An extreme heat wave will grip the southwestern United States through early week.
“We encourage everyone to stay inside and crank their air conditioners,” said a local official. “Until we have the inevitable power outage because we haven’t built a nuclear power plant since the 70s. Come on, people, they’re safe with power war tech so how could they not be safe with today’s tech. Huh, yeah, I guess removing them from the internet is the best failsafe out there. Huh? Yeah, way off course. Sorry.”
“This heat is oppressive!” yelled a protestor as she waved her ‘Don’t Heat On Me’ flag. “It’s time we stand up to the heat and…” She swayed, then collapsed. As other protestors tried to give her water she refused, citing the water company’s donations to political action committees that support a competing ideology.
Los Angeles officials also advise “be on the lookout for… everything. Yeah, we lost control again”, “watch out for officials. Those bastards will blow your money on the stupidest things and stiff press release writers” and “hey! We didn’t… well, just because it’s true doesn’t mean it has to be said. Okay, back to the release. Let’s see. Oh, right, here: I am a pervert. Wait a minute!”
“Yeah, that’s gonna happen,” said a sweaty man. “It’s the summer and Lord knows it gets hot in the summer. No, He does. Have you accepted Jesus- wait! Come back! I have to tell you how you’re doing it wrong! Stop!”
Biloxi, MS – The Weather Channel reports heat advisories are in place from the coast of Virginia to the bayous of Louisiana, covering sixteen million people.
“Hot, folks,” reported a meteorologist. “Honestly, we never saw it coming, but we all know the reason.” He flashed a graphic of a smiling white person, adding, “the white devil and destroyed the planet. We need to kill them and wear their flesh!” After a long pause he added, “I thought I’d be fired for saying this but it looks like I’m getting the stations blessing. To war!”
“We got sixteen million on this block!” said a sweaty New Yorker. When we tried to explain to him that whilst New York’s population doesn’t exceed the hundreds of thousands of square miles in question he began to breath heavily through his mouth and make grunting sounds, so we let it go. “That’s right! Millions!”
Weather experts also predict “people will be shocked by weather until they die”, “we’re not saying if there is or isn’t an afterlife, but if there is, people will be shocked by afterlife weather as well” and “weather in a second tier of heaven? Don’t be [expletive deleted]ing stupid.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll cool off in a few months,” said an elderly woman. “That seems to be the trend.” She went back to her crossword, occasionally taking a sip of hazelnut coffee.