Iran To EMP US

Los Angeles, CA – A secret Iranian military document reveals a plan to attack the US electrical grid with an electromagnetic pulse.

“This way, we can take the city intact,” said an Iranian ‘diplomat.’ “You understand, yes? Your people will riot, yes, and many thousands will die, but once the executions begin, you will be helpless, yes? Gun laws in California say no guns, no? So then you’re done, yes? Yes.” He drew his weapon, adding, “you’re my prisoner now, yes? Good.”

“We gotta stop telling people we’re intercepting secret memos,” said a high-ranking CIA agent. “Then again, I shouldn’t be giving the press interviews in one of our underground, secret jails.” He pointed to a few prisoners, adding, “and I shouldn’t let you see these guys or tell you their execution dates. Tomorrow, by the way. Turns out they really were tourists and not spies. Go figure, right?”

The Iranians also plan to “blow up a volcano and blacken the skies of America”, “destroy the San Andreas fault and drop California into the ocean” and “cut off Florida and float it out to sea.”

“Can I make an EMP?” asked a MIT student. “Yes. Should I? Probably not. Are the plans available on-line? You bet they are. So are we safe? No. Not at all.” He shook his head and whispered, “not at all.”

Captured Sailors Weren’t Not Told To Avoid Capture, Unconfusing Report Not Antisuggests

Washington DC – A devastating new report by military investigators released found that the ten sailors captured by Iranians in January suffered from “failed leadership” at all levels on a mission that was plagued by mistakes from beginning to end.

“It’s not their fault,” concluded an investigator. “But it sorta is, because they should have known their leadership was bad and reported that to their leaders.” He then put on a hat, adding, “if you’ll excuse me, I’m back to my house under a freeway. Oh yes, most of us are mentally deranged, why do you ask?”

“The capture was totally legal,” said an Iranian diplomat. “Our treatment of the prisoners was totally cool. The information they freely gave up was absolutely above board. All that to say, we have your access to your nukes. Deliver the money by noon tomorrow or the world as you know it will end. Out!” After some struggled he managed to end the FaceTime.

The Navy called the report “stupid”, “we’re totally in control our our officers. Why, right now, almost three out of the five here have pants on” and “yes, we’re openly reporting our pant condition. Why? Because we’re competent sailors dedicating our time and energy to serving our country.”

“Was the report devastating?” asked a woman. “Because if it was just damaging I’m not going to read it. Devastating you say? Okay, I’ll take a look. Where can I… oh. So how do you know how devastating it was or wasn’t? And this is your job?”

Peaceful Iran Still Wants To Wipe Out Israel

Dubai, United Arab Emirates – Iran test-fired two ballistic missiles today with the phrase “Israel must be wiped out” written in Hebrew on them.

“Now we have to remember that this won’t happen until we’re out of office,” said a White House official. “So really, it’s not part of our legacy. Because, remember, this is about being remembered in history, not actual diplomacy or even showing strength. So, future people, we did all we could to preserve our place in history. Oh, and best of luck in your current conflicts.”

“What?” asked an Iranian diplomat. “Can’t we stoke the flames of hate whilst we slowly rebuild our war machine and create out secret nuclear weapons? What’s the harm in that?” After a long pause he slowly added, “because that’s what we’re doing. Wait, that just made it worse. Can we start over? Death to America! I mean… no, that’s right.”

The UN called the missiles “scary”, “surrender worthy” and “scary. We did? Well, it bears repeating. We’re helpless babies living on borrowed time. No one can stop a very small country from developing nukes and then launching them. No one.”

“It’s remarkable to think that we not only trusted the Iranians, but worked to negotiate a deal that would give them money and weapons,” said an American. “And the second they get their money, they double-down on their hate. It’s… I’m sorry, I’m going to have another [panic] attack.”

Iran Hates America As Much As America Hates Canada

Tehran, Iran – Tens of thousands of Iranians marched in Tehran’s Azadi Square today chanting “Death to America and Israel” and waving anti-Western placards on the thirty seventh anniversary of the country’s 1979 Islamic revolution.

“Come on, we really don’t mean death to America,” said a top Iranian diplomat. “Not until we get all of our sanctioned money back and finish our nukes. Then we’ll kill all of you like the dogs that you are and wear your flesh for Halloween. Oh yes, we adopted your holiday of Halloween because it makes us happy to think we can kill you. Also, die.”

“It’s just rhetoric,” said a woman at the State Department. “They can’t kill us, so it’s frustrating, so they blow off a little steam by talking about killing us. Sure, it’s illegal here in the states, but over there it’s a way of life. See? They just sent me an email saying ‘die.’ Cute, right?”

The UN called the calls for American and Israeli deaths “appropriate”, “those bastards have made the world into a horrible place, with economic opportunity! No more! Look at the mess we’re in because of them!” and “it’s time we have a single dictator choosing who lives and who dies. That’s the only fair way to make those rich and prosperous jerks pay!”

“Should we be worried?” asked a mother. “I mean, are we doing something to stop a state from gaining nuclear weapons and acting on what they’ve been chanting for almost forty years? No, besides brokering a deal and giving them money. Isn’t there something we can do? Anyone? Hello?”

Iran Is Nice!

Tehran, Iran – Ten US sailors were released today after being taken into custody yesterday when their two small US navy riverine vessels drifted into Iranian-claimed waters during a training mission.

“Look, you guys were cool with the whole nuclear missile thing, so yeah, sure, you can have your dudes back,” said a high-ranking Iranian negotiator. “Hey, thanks again for letting us have nukes. No, seriously, it was very cool of you. No, no, we’re going to acknowledge your help when the first thousand launch. Very cool, man, thanks again. Super appreciate.”

“Sure, it was a nice move,” said a US Navy officer. “But it’s kinda odd that they’d give our guys back. Plus, it kinda screws up our plan of destroying Iran to get our dudes back.” After a long sigh he whispered, “the chess game continues. Also, does anyone know how to play chess? No, I know how the horsey moves. Left, right?”

The UN called the return “deeply alarming”, “this cuts days, if not weeks, of negotiations by the UN” and “well, then what are we good for? No, don’t just nod your head, give us suggestions? It’s a new year, which means a new budget, which means, you know, we gotta justify our jobs. Come on, help!”

“Well, so we won?” asked a history student. “I mean, right? We got our dudes back and… lesson learned? Keep your enemies close? I dunno. What’s the lesson here? How could there be no lesson? That’s not a lesson! Wait, or is that the lesson? Is this on the test?”

Iranian Hackers Steal Our Water, Souls

New York, NY – An Iranian hactivist group has claimed responsibility for a cyberattack that gave it access to the control system for a dam in the suburbs of New York which one official said may be “just the tip of the iceberg.”

“It’s not a terrorist attack,” insisted a White House insider. “It’s an authorized intrusion which temporarily disrupted our infrastructure. How is that bad? Well, then you’re a racist and support corporate greed. Yes, name-calling worked in the past, why stop now? Why? Oh.”

“It was just a test,” said a hacker. “We plan to ruin Christmas much like your Grench.” After a long pause he added, “just kidding, Grinch. We’re not stupid. Yeah, there’s nothing funny about what’s going to happen. We’re going to hopen a spam of kick brass! Again, not kidding.”

The NSA called the intrusion “alarming”, “disturbing” and “ummm, no, we’re done commenting. We still have to finish evacuation procedures to ensure the continuation of government once the world collapses. You know.”

“Woah, so that’s why we don’t have any water?” asked a resident. “Iranians can just hack us? Just like that? From over there? So you’re telling me the government can’t stop a bunch of Iranian kids from hacking us from halfway around the world and literally take away our source for life? How is everyone cool with that? Oh, right, the holidays.”

Confidential Report Claims Iran Has So Much Uranium It’s Literally Considering Renaming The Country Uranistan

Vienna, Austria – The UN nuclear watchdog wrote a confidential report claiming Iran’s stockpile of low-enriched uranium has increased in the past three months even though Tehran is supposed to reduce it significantly under a deal with major powers.

“First of all, you shouldn’t have seen that report,” said a UN official. “It was written to alert specific people we know so they might prepare for the coming apocalypse. Secondly, we leak our news to our enemies first, then the rest of the world. It makes no sense to give it to a neutral news agency! And lastly… die! Okay, that’s a little too far. Suffer!”

“Come on,” said an Iranian diplomat. “Who are you going to trust, some report or me? Wow, really? Wait, is this a trick or are you really- oh, okay. Great! Sign this treaty and- perfect. Here too. And here. You sure your Congress won’t- very cool, very cool. Okay, just initial here and here and we’re done. And as my first act as King of America, I’d like to rename Dallas as New Tehran!”

The UN also revealed “words are pretty much powerless against an aggressive military”, “we really shouldn’t have agreed to what we agreed to” and “we’re stuck, because if we back out, we’ll look like flaccid weaklings, destroying the bad-boy image we’ve had since the 50s.”

“It’s only a matter of time before they bomb us,” said a Middle Eastern man. “So… you know, get your drones in the air and fly em’ like you just don’t care. Please?”

Iran Celebrates Mercilessly Beating US

Tehran, Iran – American flags and effigies of President Barack Obama were set ablaze today as thousands gathered to mark the anniversary of the 1979 takeover of the Iranian capital’s US Embassy.

“I can’t wait to celebrate destroying the western world one year from today!” said an Iranian diplomat. “We thought it was going to be so much harder than what all ya’ll said it would be.” After firing is weapon into the air he screamed, “I’m the future king of Tennessee, ya’ll! This dog can hunt!”

“We’re not going to tell people what to do or how to live,” said a US Senator. “That’s not our job. The people of Iran are free to celebrate however they please. Now, let’s get to voting on making certain words hate speech because, well, it’s our job to tell people what to- ohhhh, I see what you did there. I’d say it was clever, but… no, it was clever. Eh, whatever, I can’t get fired so, who cares, right?”

The UN called the celebration “a joyous one”, “we will not rest until the US stops oppressing the rest of the world with their strong economy and ‘can do’ attitude” and “wait, are we on the wrong side? What happens if these religious fanatics win? Won’t we all be beheaded for their version of God or whatever? Oh, Jesus, we’ve really screwed up. Guys? Can we… guys?”

“Now I feel bad about myself,” said an American. “I didn’t even know we lost in Iran. No one taught us this. Yeah, it’s kinda blur after World War II until Facebook.”

Iran Sending Secret Fleet Of Warships To Atlantic

Tehran, Iran – Iran intends to dispatch “a fleet of warships” to the Atlantic Ocean shortly, the semi-state Fars news agency reported today, quoting the regime’s navy chief.

“Shhhhhhh,” said an Iranian Naval officer. “We’re going to send a few ships to your country in the next week or so. We’ll give you more details once we figure out the timeline.” After looking over his shoulder, he added, “let’s keep this between you and I, okay, reporter? Great.”

“There’s no need to panic,” said a White House official. “This is Iran simply working within the new agreement. See? Right here on page five: Iran is allowed no more than thirty (30) dry runs to US shores. No, page five. Right after the clause that bans them from ICBMs but allows them to launch nukes from ships.”

The UN called the move “another ploy by the evil US and their Middle East lapdog, Israel”, “wait, is this on record? Oh, then, umm, we misspoke” and “everyone love everyone! We’re one big happy- no! We can’t do it! Death to the United States of Satan! Death to them all!”

“Wait, can we stop them?” asked a Pentagon official. “Guys? Can we… guys? Did everyone go home today? Guys? The… is…” He looked around the empty floor, adding, “am I missing something here? Didn’t we just pass a budget for this sort of thing? Okay, now I’m just talking to myself. Wait, was that- Tim? Are… guys?”

Heads Up, Ya’ll: The NSA Will Spy On Diplomats

Washington DC – Former intelligence analysts say the NSA will probably spy on foreign leaders like Iranian President Rouhani during the UN General Assembly in New York this week, applying a “full court press” that includes intercepting cellphone calls and bugging hotel rooms.

“It’s important that we tell people what our former secret organization will do,” said a former spy. “Because they have a right to know. The world must know how we conduct our operations, so that everyone will know and we’ll be safe.” He checked his notes, then added, “wait, we’re giving Iran billions and hoping they won’t build a bomb? Wait, is… oh no.”

“Oh, get off your high horse,” said PTA treasury secretary Patti Treutelar. “We’ve spied on every principal in the district and we fully expect them to try and spy on us. Which brings us to the next order of business: we’ll need to raise another fifty grand to cover the costs of our assassins. I dunno, another bake sale? Perfect!”

The FBI called the spying “unprofessional”, “what? We knew about it because we’re spying on the NSA” and “no, no one’s spying on us. Wait, did you hear a click on the line? Hello? Is someone- hang up. Hang up, now!”

“This is why we need to move the UN to some sort of neutral ice palace,” said a diplomat. “Think about it: no one’s going to have the opportunity to spy up there. It’s so cold everyone will pass whatever just to go home. And, let’s face it, it’d be really cool to have an ice palace. Let’s put it to a vote! Fine, next year.”