London, UK – Experts have warned the UK is edging towards a “sexual health crisis” following cuts to STI testing services, as cases of syphilis and gonorrhoea have soared.
“Now Europe can’t tell us what to stick our [expletive deleted]s in!” shouted a United Kingdomer. “I’m off to the hardware store! You know, to get a bunch of stuff to stick… what? No, I’ll make it fit. Come on, mate, they can’t tell us so it’s time to get to stickin’ whilst the stickin’s good! Spare a fiver?”
“Health was never our strong suit,” said a British doctor. “Just look at us. No, take a good look.” After a few moments he added, “now you see, right? The dirt? It won’t come off.” In the interest of full disclosure, we picked this specific doctor for an interview because he was wildly drunk at a local pub and was saying crazy stuff all night.
The experts also warn “don’t swim until forty five minutes after eating”, “don’t pick your nose so much” and “would it kill you to eat a few more vegetables? No, the answer is it won’t.”
“Unfortunately, we expect the rate of sexual contact to rise dramatically,” said a French doctor. “Mostly because the people of Britania are now free.” He gave a long sigh, adding, “sweet, sweet freedom. Well, it’s been an hour, time to pay the Eurozone.” He cut his hand and dripped some blood into a cup marked, ‘Eurozone.’ It was pretty dramatic.
London, UK – An outbreak of highly drug-resistant gonorrhoea has been detected in the north of England, triggering a national alert.
“And that’s why white people are evil,” said a preacher. “Not only are they trying to kill us. Not only do they want to enslave us! Not only do they actively keep us down every day with every action they take… sorry, I lost my train of thought. No, no, keep passing the collection plate. It’ll come back. Oh, right, white people are full of disease! Disease!”
“It’s because we don’t use protection,” said a toothless Londoner. “Well, no one from the government told us, so we didn’t do it! It’s their job to tell us what to do, right? So until they say, ‘use protection’ or ‘stop being so skanky,’ we’re gonna… hold on, the burning’s back.” He let out a series of screams, then passed out.
The EU called the outbreak “scary”, “gross” and “what’s a good word for scary and gross? Scross? Yes, it’s scross. That should be a word. Scross. Ew. Just saying ‘scross’ is gross and scary. Scross, right? Let’s start using that and see if it catches on. Scross, bro, scross.”
“Believe me when I say, it’s all a big misunderstanding,” said a scientist. “We’re changing the records now to show it was just a brief outbreak in hopes that if enough people believe it, it’ll be true.” After a long pause he added, “isn’t everything about climate change? I don’t care if it’s a non sequitur, shut up and believe.”