Brexit Leaves UK With Soars, Blisters, Burning Pee

London, UK – Experts have warned the UK is edging towards a “sexual health crisis” following cuts to STI testing services, as cases of syphilis and gonorrhoea have soared.

“Now Europe can’t tell us what to stick our [expletive deleted]s in!” shouted a United Kingdomer. “I’m off to the hardware store! You know, to get a bunch of stuff to stick… what? No, I’ll make it fit. Come on, mate, they can’t tell us so it’s time to get to stickin’ whilst the stickin’s good! Spare a fiver?”

“Health was never our strong suit,” said a British doctor. “Just look at us. No, take a good look.” After a few moments he added, “now you see, right? The dirt? It won’t come off.” In the interest of full disclosure, we picked this specific doctor for an interview because he was wildly drunk at a local pub and was saying crazy stuff all night.

The experts also warn “don’t swim until forty five minutes after eating”, “don’t pick your nose so much” and “would it kill you to eat a few more vegetables? No, the answer is it won’t.”

“Unfortunately, we expect the rate of sexual contact to rise dramatically,” said a French doctor. “Mostly because the people of Britania are now free.” He gave a long sigh, adding, “sweet, sweet freedom. Well, it’s been an hour, time to pay the Eurozone.” He cut his hand and dripped some blood into a cup marked, ‘Eurozone.’ It was pretty dramatic.

Brits Finally Make Up Their Minds About 2003 Invasion

London, UK – It’s been seven years and millions of dollars in the making, but the colossal report on Britain’s role in the Iraq war will finally be published tomorrow.

“Spoiler alert: we shouldn’t have gone,” said an English official. “Also, double spoiler alert: we shouldn’t have spent millions of dollars and seven years to determine we shouldn’t have gone. And, of course, triple spoiler alert: we’re going to need more money to investigate if this finding was a waste, spoiler alert: yes, spoiler alert: of course.”

“Our minds are made up,” said an Iraqi official. “You shouldn’t invade. Please use your time machine and fix this.” After a very long pause he added, “you don’t have a time machine, do you? Ah, then you were right to imply that you did have one so we would give up. Well played, Americans, well played.”

The Brits also intend to “figure out if Brexit was good by 2055”, “assess if having an empire was beneficial by 2299” and “discover if space is ‘real’ by the year 68,000. Yes, we should totally know by then. No, we’re not joking.”

“Does it matter?” asked a person. “We’ve already spent the money. We’ve already killed the people. The people have already rioted and destroyed their things. We’ve killed more of them and they’ve killed some of us. So why does it matter? No, future generations will have knee-jerk reactions to other things and not care about this reaction. Whatever.”

The British Are Leaving! The British Are Leaving!

London, UK – Britain has voted to leave the European Union, a historic decision sure to reshape the nation’s place in the world, rattle the Continent and rock political establishments throughout the West.

“We’re all doomed!” yelled an EU spokeswoman. “People of the EU, take your cyanide pills now and- hold on. Did they ever convert to Euros? Oh, okay. But did they follow our laws and statutes- oh. Okay, so… no, Bill, spit it out. We’re fine.”

“I’m sick of keeping calm!” yelled a Brit as she punched a signpost. “And I’m done carrying on! We’re [expletive deleted]ing free! We’re finally free to do what we want!” She took a few deep breaths, then asked, “so… ummmm, what now?”

“Now that the British are out, we can, you know, do more stuff,” said a Spanish politician. “I donno, like… hold on, they left a manual thingy when they left before… no, we can do this! We’re not the stupidheads of the- damn, caught my sleeve in the desk.”

The EU called the Brexit “super annoying for a Friday”, “yes, it’s important that people know the nation of the United Kingdom ruined our summer Friday” and “come on, it’s Friday, people. This totally feels like a Tuesday thing, right? Nah, it’s too on the nose for a Monday. Ugh, am I right?”

“Looks like we have a big decision ahead of us,” said a representative from Andorra. “Should we Andrexit or… no? Okay, that was- okay. Sorry. Do people even know where Andorra is? Hello?”

British Doctors Claim E-Cigs Are Healthy

London, UK – British doctors claim e-cigarettes are not as dangerous as traditional lit tobacco products and can be useful to help smokers quit.

“They fill you up and make you better!” exclaimed a British doctor. “What better way to relax or build up immunities to disease than with a nice, long, e-cig? Yes, friends, e-cigs are not only safe, their medically proven to make you live as long as the elves!” He took a long pull from his e-cig, coughed, and added, “Rivendell, here I come!”

“I’m quitting! Look at me!” said a former smoker as he took a pull from his e-cig. “I can smoke all day and be quitting at the same time.” After a few labored breaths he added, “I haven’t smoked in days. I’ve never felt…” After collapsing to the ground he managed to get out, “healthy” before dying.

American doctors called the claims “dangerous”, “we want to make sure our brethren across the pond are being properly compensated for their claims, lest they ruin the pay scale for all of us” and “why do you think we do what we do? Oh, sure, saving lives makes us feel like gods, but the money, oh the money, that’s the sweet icing on the heroin cake.”

“I don’t know if that’s right,” said a kid who watches television. “The ads say vaping is just as bad, if not worse than smoking. Who do I believe? The people in authority wearing white coats or the device that raises me? Seriously.”

UK Deploys Drone Death Ray, Annoying Drone Operator Ray

London, UK – The UK government has already undertaken trials of counter-UAV systems, including one using military-grade technology deployed in Afghanistan that downs unmanned aerial vehicles with a “death ray” jamming its radio signals.

“It’s time we take matters into our own hands,” said a government official. “Starting with the destruction of drones! No! Laws won’t stop these things, only drone-killing lasers fired around heavily populated areas and commercial airplanes! I don’t know how the laser beam stops, but I know one thing, it usually kills a drone. Mission accomplished.”

“We’re simply flying around, going where we wish,” argued a drone operator. “What’s the harm in that? I mean, besides flying into planes, putting fire and police in danger, spying on people, invading privacy, and putting hundreds of millions across the globe in danger.” He shook his head, adding, “if that’s the price humanity pays for me to fly a model helicopter, then so be it.”

The UN called the death ray “inappropriate”, “cool” and “could it be both? Fine, we’ll form a Death Ray research committee and reconvene in 2018. Fine, we’ll for a Reconvening Delegation to manage the date as well as- fine! We’ll form a panel to vet and assign people to the Reconvening Delegation. Happy? Yeah, we are too!”

“What does this mean for me?” asked a mother as she dropped off her kids at school. “Nothing? Then why are you telling me this? Yeah, I guess being a crossing guard does get a little boring. You wanna come over after your shift for a drink or something?”

UK Modifies DNA In Desperate Attempt To Avoid Brushing Teeth

London, UK – Britain’s fertility regulator has approved a scientist’s request to edit the human genetic code in an effort to fight inherited diseases, but critics fear the new technique crosses too many ethical boundaries.

“It’s the only way to fight the aliens,” said a White House official. “Oh, am I talking crazy again? Why don’t you report how crazy I am? Huh? Look at me, I’m taking off my pants and I’m crazy!” After a long discussion as to what prompted this response, we found out we mis-reported a lot of things and the White House took it personally. We apologize and stress that everything we publish is satire and not threatening at all, so relax.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not opening my statement with an apology,” said a top UK official. “I won’t apologize for trying to improve this meat-cage we call a body. And another thing, I won’t- what? No, that apology was facetious and referring to my refusal to apologize, not to the actual apologizing for the actual issue which… what was it again?”

The UN called the approval “illegal”, “we are prepared to invade and kill every last Britton” and “yeah, well, you can’t beat China and Russia, so you best bet is to surrender and- oh. Great. Sign here. Initial here, and here, and here, and, hold on, here and here. Sign. Sign and copy this sentence. Sign. Initial. Annnnnd sign. Great!”

“Only time will tell,” said a wise man. “Until then, we should argue about things we know absolutely nothing about.” After a long pause he added, “idiot.”

Most Of England Gonorrhoead

London, UK – An outbreak of highly drug-resistant gonorrhoea has been detected in the north of England, triggering a national alert.

“And that’s why white people are evil,” said a preacher. “Not only are they trying to kill us. Not only do they want to enslave us! Not only do they actively keep us down every day with every action they take… sorry, I lost my train of thought. No, no, keep passing the collection plate. It’ll come back. Oh, right, white people are full of disease! Disease!”

“It’s because we don’t use protection,” said a toothless Londoner. “Well, no one from the government told us, so we didn’t do it! It’s their job to tell us what to do, right? So until they say, ‘use protection’ or ‘stop being so skanky,’ we’re gonna… hold on, the burning’s back.” He let out a series of screams, then passed out.

The EU called the outbreak “scary”, “gross” and “what’s a good word for scary and gross? Scross? Yes, it’s scross. That should be a word. Scross. Ew. Just saying ‘scross’ is gross and scary. Scross, right? Let’s start using that and see if it catches on. Scross, bro, scross.”

“Believe me when I say, it’s all a big misunderstanding,” said a scientist. “We’re changing the records now to show it was just a brief outbreak in hopes that if enough people believe it, it’ll be true.” After a long pause he added, “isn’t everything about climate change? I don’t care if it’s a non sequitur, shut up and believe.”