Talc Will Give You Cancer

Washington DC – Johnson & Johnson was ordered by a US jury to pay fifty five million dollars to a woman who said that using the company’s talc-powder products for feminine hygiene caused her to develop ovarian cancer.

“They knew that this deadly chemical would kill us all, and yet they still used it,” said a jury member. “Big business should be punished for everything they do! Death to executives, with their success and money! It’s not fair! We didn’t elect them to give us superior products and jobs! Kill them all! The jury rests, Your Honor.”

“Everyone knows talc mining’s nickname, ‘Mining for Poison that will slowly kill you,'” said a miner. “But the real name is, ‘candy death digging.’ It’s a German phrase. Either way, it means we’re going to die.” He took a big bite of talc, adding, “so, might as well enjoy myself before I go, right? Boy, that’s chalky.”

The International Brotherhood of Talc Producers called the payout “disgraceful”, “when will they realize carbon is the real enemy here” and “it’s time we- what? Wait, they’re putting the what where now? Oh, dear God, no! Why… no!”

“So, one woman can get fifty five million, times how many women used your product?” asked a lawyer. “Oh. So, you won’t be able to pay our fees.” As he stood he looked around, adding, “unless you have fire insurance, I’d get in your car right now and drive to Canada. No, don’t talk to you family, just go. Now!”