New York, NY – The US Food and Drug Administration issued a consumer safety update about a brand of electric toothbrushes that’s been found to chip teeth, cut gums and generally wreak havoc with your face.

“We didn’t make these electric instruments to harm faces,” said a lawyer for a top dental manufacturer. “We made them for…” After checking his notes he added, “well will you look at that. We did make them to ruin faces. Turns out we’re heavily invested in selling dental reconstructive surgery materials. No wonder why I got a dividend last quarter. Anyway, as you were.”

“Normally we won’t go near this sort of thing,” said a top FDA official. “I mean, who are we to tell you, the public, what you can and cannot use? That’s crazy, right?” He took a pinch of powder from a little box, snorted it and added, “right?”

The US Patent Office called the warning “not our prob [sic]“, “to clarify: it’s not our problem on two levels: one, we only issue patents, we’re not concerned about the overall safety of the product and two, we not huge fans of toothbrushes” and “case and point: we just approved a patent for a ‘child atomizer’ and smell our breath. Bad, right?”

“If we stop brushing our teeth, the terrorists win,” said an American. “Come on, if we stop doing anything the terrorists win. Right? What? When did that stop being a thing? How is that possible? Oh no. No! The terrorists won!”