Provo, UT – The FBI issued an arrest warrant for a polygamous sect leader, who authorities say disappeared ahead of his federal food stamp fraud trial.
“It’s time we crack down on the people who threaten this country!” yelled an FBI agent. “No, damn it, not the religious extremists! Those who engage in Polygamy. Yes, poly, meaning ‘many.’ I know, it’s disgusting. These bastards are killing untold millions of Americans and must be stopped with whatever means necessary. No, we’re not taking the nuclear option off the table.”
“Food stamp fraud?” asked a woman. “Is that all that man did? Wait, he’s white? Oh, hell no! Kill that [expletive deleted]er! A white man? You know he’s just pretending to be poor. Come on, now, white people ain’t poor. They privileged [expletive deleted]s who prey on the community. You know it’s true, do your research.”
The FBI is also looking out for “people who open food at the grocery store before paying for it”, “tracking people who make off-color jokes on Twitter” and “finding out exactly where the beef is. Oh, you know what we’re talking about.”
“This seems like a trap,” said a local terrorist. “Guys? Cancel the thing. They’re onto us. No, this patter about wanting a man for getting a little free food is a smoke-screen.” He waved at his forklift operator and yelled, “abort! Just leave it here, no one will even know what it is. Yeah, let the reporter go, he’s a joke anyway.”