Washington DC – A confidential Justice Department memo concludes that the US government can order the killing of American citizens if they are believed to be “senior operational leaders” of al-Qaida or “an associated force,” even if there is no intelligence indicating they are engaged in an active plot to attack the US.
“Umm, since when was that an issue?” asked a top Justice Department attorney. “We could always kill our citizens, with our without evidence. I’m glad it’s out there! Now we don’t have to say it was a ‘mugging-gone-wrong’ or a ‘gang-related-shooting.’ Wait, did you guys believe us?”
“Success!” said a terrorist. “They’re doing our job for us! Come on, boys, we’re going to the Bahamas to take that much needed vacation. Sorry, [name redacted], you’re going to have to take a boat or something. Well, maybe you should have been a little more discreet and not gotten your name on the no-fly list! Now, where’s my bathing suit?”
The Justice Department also allowed “the bullying of people who may or may not be nerds”, “the taxing of those who might be making money” and “the slapping of hoes. No, there’s no need to clarify. Hoes need to be slapped. We all know it, it’s time we acknowledged it.”
“This is insane,” said a law-abiding American citizen. “So they government can blow me up, just because they think I’m bad? How is-” Seconds later all that remained of the man was a smoldering foot in a twenty foot creator.