Washington DC – NASA scientists announced the global average temperature last year was the ninth-warmest in the modern meteorological record, continuing a trend linked to greenhouse gases that saw nine of the ten hottest years occurring since the year 2000.

“Today, the twentieth of January, at nine something in the morning,” began a scientist. “We mark the- what? What time is it? Because the [ballroom] clock says nine forty seven and my iPad says it’s nine forty nine. I’m going to with nine forty nine. I mean, Apple time is the only real- okay, now nine fifty. Today, the twentieth of- hey, don’t leave!”

“It’s getting hot in here,” joked a NASA official. “Seriously, it’s getting hotter. So the sooner we get that moon base thing going, the better.” He went back to figuring out the minimum pressure a nitrogen/oxygen/hydrogen mix could exert on the domed structure without breaking it. “Seriously, get out of here. We need to get the hell off this planet and this is our best option.”

The National Weather Service called the announcement “a total burn”, “we’ve been preparing this news for weeks now and at the last second a bunch of NASA nerds break it? Not cool” and “guess it’s time we turn our frost weapon back on Florida. Suck it, Gators!”

“The Earth is heating up?” shouted a man. “Oh my God! What can I do to help?” After a very long wait he added, “there has to be something I can do. Anything? No, I really don’t have a carbon footprint. I don’t deforest and don’t have an army which burns massive amounts of fuel. So… nothing?”