Space – The US Space Weather Prediction Center says the strongest geomagnetic storm in more than six years is forecast to hit Earth’s magnetic field today and could affect airline routes, power grids and satellites.

“We’re positive that no one will lose their skin,” said a top NASA official. “Not that it’s happened before, but there’s always the slight chance that your skin will just fall off. Oh, legal wants us to tell you that unless you say ‘I want to sue’ you can’t sue us when your skin falls off. Cause it’s going to happen. Cause of the exploding sun. Sorry.”

“What are you doing? Get down!” shouted a top US Space Weather Prediction officer. “Why the hell do you think we taught all those kids in the 50s to ‘duck and cover?’ The sun’s rays were irradiating everything. We just used nuclear testing as a cover. Boy, I’m telling you a lot of information, aren’t I?”

The Russian Space Agency called the storm “the best opportunity we’re going to have in a long time to create a race of super humans”, “don’t sweat it, they don’t speak Russian” and “what? Translator? Those crafty Americans. Well, we should kill this one first. Is he still translating?”

“Nothing is going to happen,” said a man. “Besides losing cell phone reception, a breakdown in GPS, planes falling out of the sky, the mutation of billions of species and the inevitable destruction of society as we know it. Relax.”