This Story Would Be The Height Of Satire, If It Wasn’t True

Philadelphia, PA – A Catholic priest who was removed from the ministry over sex abuse allegations now holds a sensitive security post at Philadelphia International Airport.

“We figured it was an easy transition,” said a top TSA official. “He’s developed the skills we look for at his previous job, so why not hire this man? I mean, not a lot of people can do this kind of mindless clerical work and not go insane. What? What skills were you thinking? Oh, the groping.”

“Come on,” whispered a parent. “Are you telling me the two places where adults are free to molest us are now joining forces? That’s like the PTA and the Bloods forming some sort of arms deal.” She stood up and added, “ummm, [acting PTA President] Linda? I have some new business I’d like to propose!”

The National Center for Ironic Studies called the hire “an eight point five on the Herzog-Bryan Ironic Scale”, “the only thing that would make this story even more delicious is if they moved him to another airport in a coverup attempt” and “looks like 2012 is really the end of days. Ironic? No. Just sad.”

“Who knows what other jobs these defrocked priests are taking,” said an unemployed man. “Shouldn’t the guy with a clean record get a job over a molester? Well, that’s how I think the world should work. No, I really have no power to change it.” After a sigh he added, “that’s messed up.”