Welcome to Calamity News, the last place on Earth you’ll hear the truth. Except that sentence, which was the truth.
You managed to dodge some bullets this week, what with an increase of STDs, government sponsored meth labs, killer cruises, meteors, helicopter parenting, cyber medals, an even more nuclear North Korea, apocalyptic revelations, evil Germans, an insane Olympic Committee, and a disapproving Pakistan. Good thing you kept your head low and avoided that brouhaha.
Have a safe weekend.