Thank you for choosing Calamity News when you literally could have chosen to do anything else. Yes, it’s that dramatic.
This week you were almost killed by hackers, smoking, an earthquake, hobbits, more smoking, Disney, secret meetings, Florida, Turkey, China, obesity, guns, ebola, NASA, more hackers, and Swiss voters. Notice how we said ‘almost’ and not ‘definitely.’ That’s because you’re a faceless internet user and we respect your privacy.
Have a safe weekend!