New York, NY – Chinese hackers repeatedly penetrated The New York Times’ computer systems over the past four months, stealing reporters’ passwords and hunting for files on an investigation into the wealth amassed by the family of a top Chinese leader.
“Look at us!” said a Times reporter. “We’re doing a story about how we’re the story!” He jumped up and down, waving his arms, yelling, “we’re the story! Look at us! No, over here! Look! We’re the brave victim fighting injustice! Look! Look how great we are! Oh my God, please look!”
“We hacked them because they were printing a story about how we were hackers,” said a regular Chinese man. “Oh, yeah, we all hack. That’s what we’re taught. Mindless labor in Apple factories, not questioning our leaders, and hacking.” He shrugged, adding, “time to do one of those three things.”
The Pentagon’s Cyber Patrol called the hacking “troubling”, “we thought our tinfoil hats would protect us” and “looks like we’re going to need more funding to stop these evil cyber criminals, who aren’t teens exploiting our embarrassing security. Just mentioning that so you have some context.”
“I knew the Chinese wanted to hack me!” said an American. “I’m sure they’re out there right now, diligently working away, trying to get to our family photos or my email account. Oh God, what if they get into my Facebook account and like something I really don’t like? Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Help!”