Travel To Suck A Lot More This Weekend

New York, NY – With US intelligence increasingly confident that the Istanbul airport attack was the work of ISIS, officials are stepping up security at American airports over concerns about possible plots coinciding with the Fourth of July holiday and the Muslim Ramadan holiday.

“We’re totally in control,” said a TSA agent. “That’s what I’d normally say, but, you know.” He raised his eyebrows a few times then motioned his head towards his supervisor. After a long pause he loudly announced, “looks like everything’s in order here. Have a safe travel and tell everyone of this experience. Hope to see you real, real soon.”

“We’ve totally won!” shouted a terrorist. He looked around his dusty bedroom, adding, “and yet, it doesn’t feel like it. Maybe dragging people down to my level doesn’t improve my lot.” He pulled out his knife, adding, “or, maybe it’s that I haven’t dragged enough people down! Let the killings… begin!”

The FBI called the increased security “appropriate”, “we’re totally confident that nothing can go wrong, as we’re always on it” and “no, we’re not being sarcastic! How dare- that’s it, you’re under arrest.”

“And I was looking forward to the normal dehumanizing experience of travel,” said a traveler. “Now they’re going to make me wait a lot longer before any semblance of respect is taken away? Damn, they’ve gotten good at this.”