Honolulu, HI – Authorities in Phoenix say a passenger has died on a US Airways flight to Phoenix from Honolulu after a suffering an unknown medical emergency.
“This is amazing!” screamed an AP editor. “We don’t know what killed her? Oh my God, jack-freakin-pot!” He did a little jig before adding, “drugs? Tropical virus? Something vaguely related to travel? The FAA? Homeland security? Terrorism? No, put them all in the story as ‘unconfirmed!’ Oh happy-freakin-day!”
“We will not do anything until we know we can get paid more for doing nothing!” screamed a TSA official. “That’s right, we hold all the power! Speak against us and you will be imprisoned! Think against us and you will be executed! We’re protecting you! Never forget that! America!”
The FAA called the incident “under investigation”, “we’ll report our findings after this three year inquiry wraps up” and “why not, right? Oh, we didn’t expect you to have an answer to that. But we’re- oh, sorry, you’re not done? Okay.”
“I’m guessing we’ll never find out what happened?” asked a woman. “Because in a day yall will move on to something else and never tell us that it was just a heart attack or something.” She sighed, adding, “no, this isn’t a call to arms about eating better. Just tell us the information and- please stop screaming, you’re embarrassing yourself.”