TSA Stops Fake Chainsaw Epidemic

New York, NY – The Transportation Security Administration displayed thousands of items confiscated from carry-on bags over three months at Kennedy Airport, including fake chainsaws.

“If there’s one thing we won’t tolerate, it’s fake chainsaws,” said a TSA officer. “We’ll let a lot of things slide, mostly because it’s not on the daily paper of stuff to look out for, but not fake chainsaws. Yeah, unless they tell us to look for something, most of whatever goes through. You know. Whatever.”

“What?” asked a passenger. “What’s wrong with a fake chainsaw? It’s not like we’re bringing items that look like other other items to test your security.” After a very long pause he added, “because I’m just a normal American immigrant, living the dream with no ill will towards you devils.”

The TSA also reported on cracking down on “fun”, “stuffed animals, puppy dogs, and hugs” and “anything. Don’t question us or we’ll write your name down and forbid you to use the services of private companies! Damn, now we know how the IRS feels: empowered!”

“I’m sure they’re doing more than just confiscating obvious fake chainsaws,” said a traveler. “Why is everyone so quiet. Guys? Why is- oh my God. Are we just employing thousands to give the illusion of security? Is that why an old lady was able to sneak onto planes? Oh no. No, no, no! That can’t be right! No!”

First Emissions Free Car Sold, Recalled

Tokyo, Japan – Toyota announced it will start selling its first mass-market emissions-free car in December. “We are proud to produce something that isn’t some sort of unholy amalgamation of machine and sex,” said a Japanese auto engineer. “But, we also hang our heads in shame as we announce the Japanese version will come with attachments. You know, those kind of attachments. What can I ...

Terrorists Cruise To Jihad

Monaco – Interpol reports would-be jihadi fighters are increasingly booking tickets on cruise ships to join extremists in battle zones in Syria and Iraq, hoping to bypass stepped-up efforts to thwart them in neighboring Turkey. “No, we had fun,” said a mother as she got back to US soil. “It’s just… well, there was lot more gun cleaning activities than we expected. Don’t get me ...

Cruise Ship Hits Something, Loses Power, Doesn’t Refund

Tampa, FL – The Bahamas Celebration returned to Grand Bahama Island after hitting an unknown object and losing power Halloween night. “We have several leads in Friday’s swamp monster hit-and-run,” said a local police officer. “And even thought I can’t comment on an on-going investigation, we feel like the slime markings on the ship, as ...

Ebola? More Like E-boat-a!

Washington DC – Obama administration officials said a Dallas health care worker who handled a lab specimen from an Ebola-infected man from Liberia who died of the disease is on a Caribbean cruise ship where she has self-quarantined and is being monitored for any signs of infection. “You know the part of the blockbuster disaster ...

‘Torture Of Airline Passengers’ Season Begins Early

Chicago, IL – All flights into and out of O’Hare and Midway international airports were grounded earl today due to a fire at an air traffic control facility. “I’d say we’re sorry, but, quite honestly, we don’t owe you [expletive deleted]ers anything,” said a major airline CFO. “To be frank, we’d kill a vast majority ...

DOT To Track Every Move Of Drug Dealers, Boring Soccer Moms, DOT Employees

Washington DC – The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, part of the Department of Transportation, published last week an “advanced notice of proposed rulemaking” on “vehicle-to-vehicle communications.” “Why does the government want to track us?” asked local drug dealer Alex ‘Good Times’ Tyrme. “First of all, I bike to my pickup. Secondly, I pretty much ...

Man Poses As TSA Agent, Is Fired For Screening Too Fast

San Francisco, CA – The New York Times is reporting that a man at the San Francisco Airport posed as a security agent and took two women in a private room for “patdowns.” “It’s bad to see that our security could very easily be compromised,” said a Pentagon official. “But it’s great to see that ...