Dallas, TX – A new Transportation Security Administration directive that mandates airports provide security for terminal exits is likely to lead to the installation of more ‘detention pods’ which have the capability of subjecting travelers to biometric scans.
“You idiots think you can come at us?” screamed a top TSA agent. “We can make your lives a living hell! Pat-downs! Obnoxious guards! Very, very slow shift changes. Oh, sure, we do that now, but we’ll go even slower. We’ll be far meaner! We’ll act much, much, much more unprofessional! Don’t test us!”
“You know, I’ve been saying we need more security,” said a man as he took off his shoes. “No, really, I’m not being sarcastic. Checking our shoes doesn’t do anything. We need security like El Al. Two armed dudes questioning everyone in line. This is just a stupid waste of time. Oh, I’m being detained? Who’s gonna- oh, you have tasers. Okay.”
The Department of Homeland Security called the enhanced security “exactly what we need to do to prevent another 9/11″, “it might have taken us twelve years, but we’re sorta making strides to protect the American people” and “now. What to do about our porous border and open ports? No, we’re asking. What can we do?”
“I don’t feel safer at all,” said a woman. “And now the people who can’t keep us safe have the power to detain us for any reason? Is this the America Jefferson envisioned?” After looking around she added, “oh. I thought that would have gotten me detained. Huh.”