Los Angeles, CA – About twenty passengers fled through emergency doors and onto the tarmac at a Los Angeles International Airport terminal after someone incorrectly said an armed man was on the loose.
“You’re all banned from ever flying again,” said a TSA agent. “Why? Because you didn’t do what we asked during an emergency: nothing.” He checked his notepad, adding, “now, can I have all of your names for the no-fly list? Okay, Joe, what’s your last name? Smith. Okay, next? Another Joe? Last name? Are you guys related, or? Odd. Okay, next? Oh, I get it, you’re going to a Smith reunion. Cool.”
“No, we said a one armed man had lost his goose,” said the Terminal Two day-shift public announcer. “Why is that so hard to understand?” As a duck waddled by the announcer grabbed the mic and yelled, “everyone, duck! It’s plane to see this brash landing! Duck!”
Passengers also panicked over “five dollar waters”, “the decline of US influence” and “the alarming number of people who use taped up boxes as luggage.”
“It’s great to see people take the initiative,” said a security agent. “Well, unless the shooter was outside and they just let him in.” After a long pause he added, “yeah, no matter what, it’s not good. What’s to stop a crazy shooter from just driving up and shooting people before a checkpoint? Jesus, what kind of security do they have over there? No. Never fly. Ever!”