News Capitalizes On Flight Death

Honolulu, HI – Authorities in Phoenix say a passenger has died on a US Airways flight to Phoenix from Honolulu after a suffering an unknown medical emergency.

“This is amazing!” screamed an AP editor. “We don’t know what killed her? Oh my God, jack-freakin-pot!” He did a little jig before adding, “drugs? Tropical virus? Something vaguely related to travel? The FAA? Homeland security? Terrorism? No, put them all in the story as ‘unconfirmed!’ Oh happy-freakin-day!”

“We will not do anything until we know we can get paid more for doing nothing!” screamed a TSA official. “That’s right, we hold all the power! Speak against us and you will be imprisoned! Think against us and you will be executed! We’re protecting you! Never forget that! America!”

The FAA called the incident “under investigation”, “we’ll report our findings after this three year inquiry wraps up” and “why not, right? Oh, we didn’t expect you to have an answer to that. But we’re- oh, sorry, you’re not done? Okay.”

“I’m guessing we’ll never find out what happened?” asked a woman. “Because in a day yall will move on to something else and never tell us that it was just a heart attack or something.” She sighed, adding, “no, this isn’t a call to arms about eating better. Just tell us the information and- please stop screaming, you’re embarrassing yourself.”

If You Fly On A Plane, You Will Die

Atlanta, GA – Four commercial planes have crashed or disappeared in just four months this year and, perhaps more startlingly, seven hundred lives have been lost. “Yeah, well, shut up, cows!” screamed a flight attendant during the boarding process. “Now get in your teeny-tiny seats or I grab the cattleprod!” She slapped a woman, then screamed, “I’m defending myself! Security! Throw her in the dungeon!” ...

Missing Plane Will Be Found Within The Century

Beijing, China – A Malaysia Airlines boss reportedly said he thinks it will take “decades” to find the missing Flight MH370. “If they followed our flight protocols then it’ll only take a a few years,” admitted a high-ranking officer from the airline. “Most of our pilot instructions are given in a two day intensive weekend seminar. Granted, it’s open bar, but most of these guys ...

Malaysian Government Announces Disappearance Of Commercial Airplane

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia – Close to three months after the Malaysian jetliner disappeared, the government on released reams of raw satellite data it used to determine that the flight ended in the southern Indian Ocean, a step long demanded by the families of some of the passengers on board. “We’re not going to admit that ...

Government Begs Airlines To Give Real Price

Washington DC – The government is proposing that airlines be required to disclose fees for basic items like checked bags, assigned seats and carry-on bags so consumers know the true cost of flying. “It’s high time someone told the airline industry what to do,” said a government official. “Now, don’t worry who I am or ...

Driving Cars A Thing Of The Past With New Driving Cars

San Francisco, CA – Google says it has turned a corner in its pursuit of a car that can drive itself. “Looks like we’re really revving it up,” said a Google officer. “You might say we’re going into overdrive. We changed gears and putting the pedal to the metal.” He swayed before adding, “we’ve got ...

Flight Makes Emergency Landing Killing No One

New York, NY – A Delta flight had to make an emergency landing at Kennedy Airport last night because of hydraulic pressure problems. “We can’t talk about an ongoing investigation,” said a company spokeswoman. “I just called this meeting to announce that.” She then stood at the podium as reporters shouted questions at her, occasionally ...

Pilots Blinded By The Light, Sun

Los Angeles, CA – Airplane pilots cruising over southern California have been complaining about a “nearly blinding” glare emanating from a massive government-funded solar thermal facility. “When we fly, we just look out the window like you guys,” said a pilot mid-flight. “Most of the time we nap, but when we’re bored, we look out ...