Chicago, IL – All flights into and out of O’Hare and Midway international airports were grounded earl today due to a fire at an air traffic control facility.
“I’d say we’re sorry, but, quite honestly, we don’t owe you [expletive deleted]ers anything,” said a major airline CFO. “To be frank, we’d kill a vast majority of you and dump your bodies in the forest if we had the chance.” He took a long pull from his flask, adding, “you’re all [expletive deleted]ing cattle.”
“This is why you need us,” said an FAA official. “To regulate things like flights and air traffic control. Granted, we’re doing the same thing as the passengers, just waiting until some techs can come in and fix things.” He cleared his throat, adding, “but that’s why you need us! To… wait.”
Train officials called the shutdown “amazing!”, “now all we have to do is convince people to pay almost as much for an airline ticket, to ride a train” and “or just keep collecting government subsidies until the whole thing collapses. Whatever works.”
“But I need to get home!” exclaimed a woman. “I have responsibilities! People depend on me!” After a long pause she added, “no one cares. I’m not being melodramatic, no one really cares. The airlines like to give the appearance of control, but they have a tenuous grasp on their industry. So why the [expletive deleted] am I paying hundreds of dollars for sorta service? Ah, forget it. No one cares.”