New York, NY – According to reports released this week by the US Office of Special Counsel, air traffic controllers would watch movies, play games or gamble online instead of guide planes.
“Is this on?” said a prosecutor during a hastily assembled press conference. “Thank you for coming on such short notice. What? This is as loud as it goes. I’m sorry we had to do this so quickly but we wanted- is that better? I can’t turn it any louder, it will feedback. Forget it, I’m just going to yell.”
“That’s every union job,” said an Air Traffic controller who refused to give his first name, last name or put on pants. “We have to do the barest minimum and you have to pay us. It’s our right to have a job and no one can take that away from us. Now help me break these chairs apart, we’re going to need more wood for the bonfire.”
The FAA called the violations “almost as disgusting as the whistleblowers who brought this to our attention”, “there are no heros here, only victims” and “no, we’re not going to do anything. Why should we? No one has been hurt or killed yet. We’ll sit pat until that day comes.”
“How is it that our most fragile and important travel system is run by surly, incompetent jerks?” asked a woman as she pass through a security checkpoint. “Oh, I wasn’t talking about you, I was talking about-” As the TSA repeatedly taser her she screamed, “it’s not you this time! It’s not you!”
