Potential Snow Storm Strands Hundreds Of Thousands

New York, NY – More than fourteen hundred flights out of or into the region’s three major airports have already been canceled this morning, in anticipation of a massive blizzard that could drop two to three feet of snow on the tristate area up through New England.

“Normally, we’d wait until the storm strikes before stranding millions for nine days,” said an airline official. “But since everyone’s freaked out about weather, we’re gonna go right for the jugular and just preemptively strand people. Also, we’re adding a stranded fee of twenty five dollars per person.” After a second he noted, “per hour.”

“It’s official, right?” asked a terrorist. “We’ve won? I mean, it takes hours to get through security protocols that we all know simply give the appearance of security, they can barely keep a schedule they make, and they’re on the verge of bankruptcy. I’m gonna call it and say we win.”

The National Weather Service called the shutdown “stupid”, “shouldn’t you get those people out of the way so they’re not sitting in an airport for the next week under fifty something feet of snow?” and “oh, by the way, it’s going to be a lot worse than predicted. A lot.”

“What will this mean for, ummm, I’m not sure why I should care,” said a young boy as he pulled out his sled. “It seems like most commerce is conducted over the internet, so overall business shouldn’t be effected, which means… who cares? Let’s go sledding!”

Even With Missing Airliner, Passengers Prefer AirAsia Over United

Jakarta, Indonesia – Indonesia’s top rescue official says authorities believe the missing AirAsia jet is likely at the bottom of the sea, based on radar data from the plane’s last contact. “Stop traveling,” said a top Homeland official. “We can’t stress this enough: stop traveling. The rest of the world is a horrible place with bad plumbing, smelly people, and weird McDonald franchises.” He shivered, ...

Flying Around England As Bad As Visiting England

London, UK – Airspace over London was restricted following a computer failure that triggered chaos at the British capital’s five airports. “We’re confident that the situation has been resolved,” said a European official. “We’ve given the computers what they want and have assurances that they won’t try to crash all of our planes.” He dabbed at his forehead, adding, “also, we need to have a ...

TSA Stops Fake Chainsaw Epidemic

New York, NY – The Transportation Security Administration displayed thousands of items confiscated from carry-on bags over three months at Kennedy Airport, including fake chainsaws. “If there’s one thing we won’t tolerate, it’s fake chainsaws,” said a TSA officer. “We’ll let a lot of things slide, mostly because it’s not on the daily paper of ...

First Emissions Free Car Sold, Recalled

Tokyo, Japan – Toyota announced it will start selling its first mass-market emissions-free car in December. “We are proud to produce something that isn’t some sort of unholy amalgamation of machine and sex,” said a Japanese auto engineer. “But, we also hang our heads in shame as we announce the Japanese version will come with ...

Terrorists Cruise To Jihad

Monaco – Interpol reports would-be jihadi fighters are increasingly booking tickets on cruise ships to join extremists in battle zones in Syria and Iraq, hoping to bypass stepped-up efforts to thwart them in neighboring Turkey. “No, we had fun,” said a mother as she got back to US soil. “It’s just… well, there was lot ...

Cruise Ship Hits Something, Loses Power, Doesn’t Refund

Tampa, FL – The Bahamas Celebration returned to Grand Bahama Island after hitting an unknown object and losing power Halloween night. “We have several leads in Friday’s swamp monster hit-and-run,” said a local police officer. “And even thought I can’t comment on an on-going investigation, we feel like the slime markings on the ship, as ...

Ebola? More Like E-boat-a!

Washington DC – Obama administration officials said a Dallas health care worker who handled a lab specimen from an Ebola-infected man from Liberia who died of the disease is on a Caribbean cruise ship where she has self-quarantined and is being monitored for any signs of infection. “You know the part of the blockbuster disaster ...