New York, NY – The Transportation Security Administration displayed thousands of items confiscated from carry-on bags over three months at Kennedy Airport, including fake chainsaws.
“If there’s one thing we won’t tolerate, it’s fake chainsaws,” said a TSA officer. “We’ll let a lot of things slide, mostly because it’s not on the daily paper of stuff to look out for, but not fake chainsaws. Yeah, unless they tell us to look for something, most of whatever goes through. You know. Whatever.”
“What?” asked a passenger. “What’s wrong with a fake chainsaw? It’s not like we’re bringing items that look like other other items to test your security.” After a very long pause he added, “because I’m just a normal American immigrant, living the dream with no ill will towards you devils.”
The TSA also reported on cracking down on “fun”, “stuffed animals, puppy dogs, and hugs” and “anything. Don’t question us or we’ll write your name down and forbid you to use the services of private companies! Damn, now we know how the IRS feels: empowered!”
“I’m sure they’re doing more than just confiscating obvious fake chainsaws,” said a traveler. “Why is everyone so quiet. Guys? Why is- oh my God. Are we just employing thousands to give the illusion of security? Is that why an old lady was able to sneak onto planes? Oh no. No, no, no! That can’t be right! No!”