New York, NY – More than fourteen hundred flights out of or into the region’s three major airports have already been canceled this morning, in anticipation of a massive blizzard that could drop two to three feet of snow on the tristate area up through New England.
“Normally, we’d wait until the storm strikes before stranding millions for nine days,” said an airline official. “But since everyone’s freaked out about weather, we’re gonna go right for the jugular and just preemptively strand people. Also, we’re adding a stranded fee of twenty five dollars per person.” After a second he noted, “per hour.”
“It’s official, right?” asked a terrorist. “We’ve won? I mean, it takes hours to get through security protocols that we all know simply give the appearance of security, they can barely keep a schedule they make, and they’re on the verge of bankruptcy. I’m gonna call it and say we win.”
The National Weather Service called the shutdown “stupid”, “shouldn’t you get those people out of the way so they’re not sitting in an airport for the next week under fifty something feet of snow?” and “oh, by the way, it’s going to be a lot worse than predicted. A lot.”
“What will this mean for, ummm, I’m not sure why I should care,” said a young boy as he pulled out his sled. “It seems like most commerce is conducted over the internet, so overall business shouldn’t be effected, which means… who cares? Let’s go sledding!”