‘Torture Of Airline Passengers’ Season Begins Early

Chicago, IL – All flights into and out of O’Hare and Midway international airports were grounded earl today due to a fire at an air traffic control facility.

“I’d say we’re sorry, but, quite honestly, we don’t owe you [expletive deleted]ers anything,” said a major airline CFO. “To be frank, we’d kill a vast majority of you and dump your bodies in the forest if we had the chance.” He took a long pull from his flask, adding, “you’re all [expletive deleted]ing cattle.”

“This is why you need us,” said an FAA official. “To regulate things like flights and air traffic control. Granted, we’re doing the same thing as the passengers, just waiting until some techs can come in and fix things.” He cleared his throat, adding, “but that’s why you need us! To… wait.”

Train officials called the shutdown “amazing!”, “now all we have to do is convince people to pay almost as much for an airline ticket, to ride a train” and “or just keep collecting government subsidies until the whole thing collapses. Whatever works.”

“But I need to get home!” exclaimed a woman. “I have responsibilities! People depend on me!” After a long pause she added, “no one cares. I’m not being melodramatic, no one really cares. The airlines like to give the appearance of control, but they have a tenuous grasp on their industry. So why the [expletive deleted] am I paying hundreds of dollars for sorta service? Ah, forget it. No one cares.”

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Man Poses As TSA Agent, Is Fired For Screening Too Fast

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Drive And Catch Fire

Detroit, MI – General Motors’ troubles with safety recalls have surfaced in another case, this time with the company recalling a group of SUVs for a third time to fix power window switches that can catch fire. “Sorry about that,” said an auto executive. “We sorta lost focus on the goal: creating cars that ...

News Capitalizes On Flight Death

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If You Fly On A Plane, You Will Die

Atlanta, GA – Four commercial planes have crashed or disappeared in just four months this year and, perhaps more startlingly, seven hundred lives have been lost. “Yeah, well, shut up, cows!” screamed a flight attendant during the boarding process. “Now get in your teeny-tiny seats or I grab the cattleprod!” She slapped a woman, then ...

Missing Plane Will Be Found Within The Century

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Malaysian Government Announces Disappearance Of Commercial Airplane

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia – Close to three months after the Malaysian jetliner disappeared, the government on released reams of raw satellite data it used to determine that the flight ended in the southern Indian Ocean, a step long demanded by the families of some of the passengers on board. “We’re not going to admit that ...