Ebola? More Like E-boat-a!

Washington DC – Obama administration officials said a Dallas health care worker who handled a lab specimen from an Ebola-infected man from Liberia who died of the disease is on a Caribbean cruise ship where she has self-quarantined and is being monitored for any signs of infection.

“You know the part of the blockbuster disaster movie where the official stands in front of a crowd of anxious press folks and holds up his hands and says everything’s fine, but they intercut scenes of infected people doing stuff, like sneezing in a diner or laughing at a movie?” asked a top White House official. “I only hope they get my hair right in future reenactments of said scenes. Oh, and everything will be fine.”

“It seems like any contact with the general public will get you sick,” said a man. “Wait a minute, I’m standing in a mall, talking to you. I’m the general public. No!” As mall security advanced on him he screamed, “I’m disgusting! Don’t touch me! I’m full of disease! No!”

The cruise industry called the quarantine “alarming”, “we normally let people just get sick on our crusies. Remember the rash of enterovirus last year? Like, twenty something thousand people were sick over many, many cruises” and “you didn’t remember? Damn.”

“That seems like the responsible thing to do,” said a tourist. “Outside of not getting on a cruise ship.” She then went back to her bingo cards, hoping to get O-72.

‘Torture Of Airline Passengers’ Season Begins Early

Chicago, IL – All flights into and out of O’Hare and Midway international airports were grounded earl today due to a fire at an air traffic control facility. “I’d say we’re sorry, but, quite honestly, we don’t owe you [expletive deleted]ers anything,” said a major airline CFO. “To be frank, we’d kill a vast majority of you and dump your bodies in the forest if ...

DOT To Track Every Move Of Drug Dealers, Boring Soccer Moms, DOT Employees

Washington DC – The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, part of the Department of Transportation, published last week an “advanced notice of proposed rulemaking” on “vehicle-to-vehicle communications.” “Why does the government want to track us?” asked local drug dealer Alex ‘Good Times’ Tyrme. “First of all, I bike to my pickup. Secondly, I pretty much hang here at the park. Thirdly, ummmm, wait, do I ...

Man Poses As TSA Agent, Is Fired For Screening Too Fast

San Francisco, CA – The New York Times is reporting that a man at the San Francisco Airport posed as a security agent and took two women in a private room for “patdowns.” “It’s bad to see that our security could very easily be compromised,” said a Pentagon official. “But it’s great to see that ...

Drive And Catch Fire

Detroit, MI – General Motors’ troubles with safety recalls have surfaced in another case, this time with the company recalling a group of SUVs for a third time to fix power window switches that can catch fire. “Sorry about that,” said an auto executive. “We sorta lost focus on the goal: creating cars that ...

News Capitalizes On Flight Death

Honolulu, HI – Authorities in Phoenix say a passenger has died on a US Airways flight to Phoenix from Honolulu after a suffering an unknown medical emergency. “This is amazing!” screamed an AP editor. “We don’t know what killed her? Oh my God, jack-freakin-pot!” He did a little jig before adding, “drugs? Tropical virus? Something ...

If You Fly On A Plane, You Will Die

Atlanta, GA – Four commercial planes have crashed or disappeared in just four months this year and, perhaps more startlingly, seven hundred lives have been lost. “Yeah, well, shut up, cows!” screamed a flight attendant during the boarding process. “Now get in your teeny-tiny seats or I grab the cattleprod!” She slapped a woman, then ...

Missing Plane Will Be Found Within The Century

Beijing, China – A Malaysia Airlines boss reportedly said he thinks it will take “decades” to find the missing Flight MH370. “If they followed our flight protocols then it’ll only take a a few years,” admitted a high-ranking officer from the airline. “Most of our pilot instructions are given in a two day intensive weekend ...