Passengers Flee Due To Incorrect, Yet Very Specific, Information

Los Angeles, CA – About twenty passengers fled through emergency doors and onto the tarmac at a Los Angeles International Airport terminal after someone incorrectly said an armed man was on the loose.

“You’re all banned from ever flying again,” said a TSA agent. “Why? Because you didn’t do what we asked during an emergency: nothing.” He checked his notepad, adding, “now, can I have all of your names for the no-fly list? Okay, Joe, what’s your last name? Smith. Okay, next? Another Joe? Last name? Are you guys related, or? Odd. Okay, next? Oh, I get it, you’re going to a Smith reunion. Cool.”

“No, we said a one armed man had lost his goose,” said the Terminal Two day-shift public announcer. “Why is that so hard to understand?” As a duck waddled by the announcer grabbed the mic and yelled, “everyone, duck! It’s plane to see this brash landing! Duck!”

Passengers also panicked over “five dollar waters”, “the decline of US influence” and “the alarming number of people who use taped up boxes as luggage.”

“It’s great to see people take the initiative,” said a security agent. “Well, unless the shooter was outside and they just let him in.” After a long pause he added, “yeah, no matter what, it’s not good. What’s to stop a crazy shooter from just driving up and shooting people before a checkpoint? Jesus, what kind of security do they have over there? No. Never fly. Ever!”

Potential Snow Storm Strands Hundreds Of Thousands

New York, NY – More than fourteen hundred flights out of or into the region’s three major airports have already been canceled this morning, in anticipation of a massive blizzard that could drop two to three feet of snow on the tristate area up through New England. “Normally, we’d wait until the storm strikes before stranding millions for nine days,” said an airline official. “But ...

Even With Missing Airliner, Passengers Prefer AirAsia Over United

Jakarta, Indonesia – Indonesia’s top rescue official says authorities believe the missing AirAsia jet is likely at the bottom of the sea, based on radar data from the plane’s last contact. “Stop traveling,” said a top Homeland official. “We can’t stress this enough: stop traveling. The rest of the world is a horrible place with bad plumbing, smelly people, and weird McDonald franchises.” He shivered, ...

Flying Around England As Bad As Visiting England

London, UK – Airspace over London was restricted following a computer failure that triggered chaos at the British capital’s five airports. “We’re confident that the situation has been resolved,” said a European official. “We’ve given the computers what they want and have assurances that they won’t try to crash all of our planes.” He dabbed ...

TSA Stops Fake Chainsaw Epidemic

New York, NY – The Transportation Security Administration displayed thousands of items confiscated from carry-on bags over three months at Kennedy Airport, including fake chainsaws. “If there’s one thing we won’t tolerate, it’s fake chainsaws,” said a TSA officer. “We’ll let a lot of things slide, mostly because it’s not on the daily paper of ...

First Emissions Free Car Sold, Recalled

Tokyo, Japan – Toyota announced it will start selling its first mass-market emissions-free car in December. “We are proud to produce something that isn’t some sort of unholy amalgamation of machine and sex,” said a Japanese auto engineer. “But, we also hang our heads in shame as we announce the Japanese version will come with ...

Terrorists Cruise To Jihad

Monaco – Interpol reports would-be jihadi fighters are increasingly booking tickets on cruise ships to join extremists in battle zones in Syria and Iraq, hoping to bypass stepped-up efforts to thwart them in neighboring Turkey. “No, we had fun,” said a mother as she got back to US soil. “It’s just… well, there was lot ...

Cruise Ship Hits Something, Loses Power, Doesn’t Refund

Tampa, FL – The Bahamas Celebration returned to Grand Bahama Island after hitting an unknown object and losing power Halloween night. “We have several leads in Friday’s swamp monster hit-and-run,” said a local police officer. “And even thought I can’t comment on an on-going investigation, we feel like the slime markings on the ship, as ...