Flight Makes Emergency Landing Killing No One

New York, NY – A Delta flight had to make an emergency landing at Kennedy Airport last night because of hydraulic pressure problems.

“We can’t talk about an ongoing investigation,” said a company spokeswoman. “I just called this meeting to announce that.” She then stood at the podium as reporters shouted questions at her, occasionally nodding or adding, “sorry, I can’t talk about that.”

“Yeah, we train for that all the time,” said a pilot at a bar. “But, you know, we’re professionals so… wait, what were you asking? Oh, right, here’s how you pick up chicks. Say something like, ‘hey, I’m a pilot’ and then whip it out. One for six times it sorta works. You got this round? Thanks.”

The FAA called the flight “the titanic of our age”, “we’ve already sold the movie rights to flight something something seven. What was it? Eight? Was there an eight or a seven in it?” and “it has romance and vaguely involves post-terrorism fears, so it’s a hit. Coming soon!”

“So everything went well?” asked a traveler. “They followed the procedure and everyone was safe?” He scratched his head, adding, “then how is this news? Most of the time a plane emergency ends with some nerves but a safe landing. Hey, you asked me for a comment on a non-story, so that’s what I gave you. No, you go screw yourself!”

Pilots Blinded By The Light, Sun

Los Angeles, CA – Airplane pilots cruising over southern California have been complaining about a “nearly blinding” glare emanating from a massive government-funded solar thermal facility. “When we fly, we just look out the window like you guys,” said a pilot mid-flight. “Most of the time we nap, but when we’re bored, we look out the window. Now, the second day of flight school they ...

Record Number Of Cancelled Flights Means… Absolutely Nothing

New York, NY – According to an analysis by The Associated Press, the relentless snow and ice storms this winter have led to the highest number of flight cancellations in more than twenty five years. “You might think things are horrible, but, after careful research, we can confirm they are,” said an AP reporter to a woman sleeping in the airport. “Oh, they cancelled the ...

Congress Gets It Right

Washington DC – Allowing airline passengers to make cellphone calls in-flight is asking for trouble, lawmakers said Tuesday as a House panel approved a bill to ban such calls. “Normally, I’d like to take every member of Congress and mash them up into a fine paste and then brush my teeth with said paste, but ...

Most Of The Time Your Airplane Will Land At The Right Airport

Washington DC – According to an Associated Press search of government safety data and news reports since the early 1990s, commercial pilots attempt to land at the wrong airport more often than most passengers realize or government officials admit. “No, this is correct,” said a pilot as he flipped some switches in the cockpit. “Beautiful ...

How Many Millions More Will Die On Cruise Ships Before Something Is Done?

International Waters – For the second time in a week, illness has cut short another cruise line vacation, this time on the Caribbean Princess. “Are you guys really going to report every pandemic-level on-board illness?” asked a ship’s mate. “Because if you are, you’ll be on board until we scuttle the ship for insurance purposes.” ...

Dream Cruise Turns Into Nightmare Cruise, Voyage

Trenton, NJ – Relief was in sight for almost six hundred Royal Caribbean cruise ship passengers struck down by a fast-moving gut bug, as their vessel headed towards port in New Jersey. “We’ve never had this happen!” said cruise social host Donna ‘Happy Face’ Perry. “In my six weeks of doing this I’ve only been ...

Court Documents Assert Cruise Ships Are Simply Floating Coffins

McAllen, TX – Unsealed court documents assert Carnival Cruise Lines knew about the risk of leaks from engine fuel hoses and recommended taking precautions on the ill-fated Carnival Triumph that later caught on fire at sea. “Look, we all know the risks, right?” asked a ship officer. “I mean, sure, you don’t think about the ...