Washington DC – Obama administration officials said a Dallas health care worker who handled a lab specimen from an Ebola-infected man from Liberia who died of the disease is on a Caribbean cruise ship where she has self-quarantined and is being monitored for any signs of infection.
“You know the part of the blockbuster disaster movie where the official stands in front of a crowd of anxious press folks and holds up his hands and says everything’s fine, but they intercut scenes of infected people doing stuff, like sneezing in a diner or laughing at a movie?” asked a top White House official. “I only hope they get my hair right in future reenactments of said scenes. Oh, and everything will be fine.”
“It seems like any contact with the general public will get you sick,” said a man. “Wait a minute, I’m standing in a mall, talking to you. I’m the general public. No!” As mall security advanced on him he screamed, “I’m disgusting! Don’t touch me! I’m full of disease! No!”
The cruise industry called the quarantine “alarming”, “we normally let people just get sick on our crusies. Remember the rash of enterovirus last year? Like, twenty something thousand people were sick over many, many cruises” and “you didn’t remember? Damn.”
“That seems like the responsible thing to do,” said a tourist. “Outside of not getting on a cruise ship.” She then went back to her bingo cards, hoping to get O-72.