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Man Opens Plane Door To Escape Screaming Child, Vietnam

Hanoi, Vietnam – A mom with a screaming child wanted a quick getaway from a plane on the tarmac in Vietnam and asked for help. The man next to her obliged by opening the emergency exit and triggering the escape slide.

“They’re a backwards country,” said a top White House official. “Sorry, let me rephrase that. They’re easily befuddled by modern technology. God only knows why we couldn’t beat them into submission. I mean, we did it in Iraq, so why- what? Fired? Like right now? Wow, I didn’t know you guys were so sensitive.”

“And that’s why I’m never going back to Vietnam,” said a older man. A shadow crosses his face as he whispered, “so much blood. I’ve never seen so much blood. What’s that, Sergeant? Hill two eight one? We just took it yesterday? What happened to Ace and Sparky? Brooklyn? All of them? Oh, they’ll pay. They’ll all pay!” He looked around the restaurant before shouting, “where’s my medal?”

The FAA called the move “bold and unexpected”, “refreshing” and “something we’d never tolerate here in the States. Ever. If someone here pulled that stunt we would literally beat them so hard it would make [Rodney] King’s beating look like a massage. No, it’s not too soon. Massage.”

“What happened next?” asked a man who was invested in the story. “They did what? So they just closed the door and flew away? Well that’s not very interesting.” He thought for a second and then added, “I guess most stories aren’t like the movies. Hmmm.”

Electronic Billboards Not Safe, Effective Marketing, Enigma

Washington DC – According to records obtained by FairWarning under the Freedom of Information Act, expert reviewers have told the FHWA that a study of electronic billboard safety appears to have been botched. The key findings vary so wildly from previous research that, as one reviewer put it, they “are not plausible.” “What?” said an ad executive. “Are you implying that we would spend five ...

Secret No Fly List Doubles To Include ’86 Mets And Executives Who Canceled Firefly

Washington DC – The Associated Press has learned the size of the government’s secret list of suspected terrorists who are banned from flying to or within the United States has more than doubled in the past year. “This is exactly why ‘let the Press in’ Thursdays is a horrible idea,” said Pentagon chief intelligence officer Gram Cewusky, who lives at 56 Heron View Lane, McLean, ...

Airlines Fight New Rules Mandating Airlines Don’t Overcharge

Washington DC – The Federal Department of Transportation rules that require airlines to quote prices including all required fees and taxes are in effect as of today, which triggered lawsuits from most US airlines. “It’s time airlines stop taking advantage of the American people,” said a Congressman to the press corp. “That’s our job.” After ...

TSA Detains Senator For ‘Advanced Groping’ Session

Nashville, TN – Kentucky Republican Senator Rand Paul’s press secretary tweeted that Transportation Security Administration officials were detaining her boss in the Nashville Airport. “I’m sure this is just a big misunderstanding,” said a Senator’s aide. “He’s a white guy in Tennessee. They’re doing it all backwards.” “We do what we want,” said a surly ...

TSA Makes Hundreds Of Thousands In Change, Muggings

Atlanta, GA – The Transportation Security Administration says airport travelers left over four hundred thousand dollars at security checkpoints across the country in 2010, which is collected and added to the TSA general operations fund. “We’re not in the business of stealing change from the public,” said a top TSA official. “We’re in the business ...

Boston Now Requires Train Operators To Stay Conscious

Boston, MA – The Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority put out a memo to its staff that to many, would seem like common sense: don’t fall asleep on the job. “We’re sick and tired of constant train crashes,” said a top Boston official to the press corp. “We just don’t have the funds to cover up ...

TSA Stops Dangerous Cupcake

Boston, MA – A Massachusetts woman who flew home from Las Vegas this week says an airport security officer confiscated her frosted cupcake because he thought its vanilla-bourbon icing could be a “security risk.” “Whew, it’s clear,” said a TSA officer as he licked his fingers. “That was a close one. I took a huge ...
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