Washington DC – The National Transportation Safety Board voted to recommend to states that they lower the blood-alcohol content that constitutes drunk driving.
“Right now people can’t have two drinks in an hour,” said a Board member. “Well, that really varies on the weight of the person, their individual ability to metabolize alcohol, and the strength of the drink. So really, one drink an hour is about right. But it should be lower! Pot? Nah, we don’t have a problem with that. How is that two-faced? I challenge you to a duel, sir!”
“Seems like a good idea,” said a local jailsman. “The revenue generated by fines and fees would give us all twenty percent raises for the next hundred years, I’d have plenty of people to abuse, and there’d be a lot less cars on the road.” As he snapped two wires from a car battery together he added, “why am I telling you all of this? Okay, let’s begin today’s session.”
The Board also noted “everyone should ride bikes”, “cars are super unsafe. We’re shocked you guys aren’t freaked out about how unsafe they are” and “not just from accidents, from manufacturers. Statically, you’re going to die when your car catches fire on a nice, sunny day. And no, we can’t do anything to help you.”
“So is this going to happen?” asked a drunk. “I mean, first you have the government, who’s all, you know, about this, and then it’s just like Obama.” He slammed his fist on the bar, shouting, “I hate you, Emily!”