DOT To Track Every Move Of Drug Dealers, Boring Soccer Moms, DOT Employees

Washington DC – The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, part of the Department of Transportation, published last week an “advanced notice of proposed rulemaking” on “vehicle-to-vehicle communications.”

“Why does the government want to track us?” asked local drug dealer Alex ‘Good Times’ Tyrme. “First of all, I bike to my pickup. Secondly, I pretty much hang here at the park. Thirdly, ummmm, wait, do I have to have a third thing? Well, shouldn’t I have something prolific to say, seeing as you’re going to put this first? Oh. Alright. Cool, man, here you go.”

“You’ve been warned,” said a DOT advisor. “So when we track your car in a year or so, you can’t whine and complain, unless it’s to get a Democrat elected.” She nodded a few times, adding, “because all federal appointed positions should be used as political platforms. Oh, also, it’s the other party’s fault you’re poor. Sorry, we all have to say that now.”

The DOT also warned “we’re considering implanting all of you with chips because, well, because you’re too stupid to fight us”, “self-driving cars won’t happen, unless you pay, like, a lot of money” and “you can’t fire us, we’re appointed! Death to bikes!”

“When is this going to happen?” asked an American. “If you don’t know then why are you reporting- hold on, did you just call me an American? Dude, that’s weird. Yes, I am, but Cody is more than just an American. I’m a long-boarder, I’m a son, I’m a boyfriend, I’m a musician, I’m a thinker, I’m- ow! You can’t hit me, I’m a pacifist!”

Man Poses As TSA Agent, Is Fired For Screening Too Fast

San Francisco, CA – The New York Times is reporting that a man at the San Francisco Airport posed as a security agent and took two women in a private room for “patdowns.” “It’s bad to see that our security could very easily be compromised,” said a Pentagon official. “But it’s great to see that you sheep are willing to follow anyone who claims to ...

Drive And Catch Fire

Detroit, MI – General Motors’ troubles with safety recalls have surfaced in another case, this time with the company recalling a group of SUVs for a third time to fix power window switches that can catch fire. “Sorry about that,” said an auto executive. “We sorta lost focus on the goal: creating cars that work.” He lit a cigar, adding, “but, you know, these ...

News Capitalizes On Flight Death

Honolulu, HI – Authorities in Phoenix say a passenger has died on a US Airways flight to Phoenix from Honolulu after a suffering an unknown medical emergency. “This is amazing!” screamed an AP editor. “We don’t know what killed her? Oh my God, jack-freakin-pot!” He did a little jig before adding, “drugs? Tropical virus? Something ...

If You Fly On A Plane, You Will Die

Atlanta, GA – Four commercial planes have crashed or disappeared in just four months this year and, perhaps more startlingly, seven hundred lives have been lost. “Yeah, well, shut up, cows!” screamed a flight attendant during the boarding process. “Now get in your teeny-tiny seats or I grab the cattleprod!” She slapped a woman, then ...

Missing Plane Will Be Found Within The Century

Beijing, China – A Malaysia Airlines boss reportedly said he thinks it will take “decades” to find the missing Flight MH370. “If they followed our flight protocols then it’ll only take a a few years,” admitted a high-ranking officer from the airline. “Most of our pilot instructions are given in a two day intensive weekend ...

Malaysian Government Announces Disappearance Of Commercial Airplane

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia – Close to three months after the Malaysian jetliner disappeared, the government on released reams of raw satellite data it used to determine that the flight ended in the southern Indian Ocean, a step long demanded by the families of some of the passengers on board. “We’re not going to admit that ...

Government Begs Airlines To Give Real Price

Washington DC – The government is proposing that airlines be required to disclose fees for basic items like checked bags, assigned seats and carry-on bags so consumers know the true cost of flying. “It’s high time someone told the airline industry what to do,” said a government official. “Now, don’t worry who I am or ...