Nashville, TN – Kentucky Republican Senator Rand Paul’s press secretary tweeted that Transportation Security Administration officials were detaining her boss in the Nashville Airport.

“I’m sure this is just a big misunderstanding,” said a Senator’s aide. “He’s a white guy in Tennessee. They’re doing it all backwards.”

“We do what we want,” said a surly TSA agent. He then spat on the floor, took a quick ‘bump’ and then added, “boarding pass and ID, please.”

“It’s important to remember that you lose your humanity the second you step into the terminal,” said a top airport official. “You are cargo; disgusting, filthy, germ-riddled cargo. Never forget: you are scum. Scum!”

The Department of Homeland Security called the detention “well within the laws of the new Detainee Act”, “we answer to no one” and “no, not even the taxpayer. They’re the real problem here.”

“I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding,” said a voter. “Why would the TSA detain anyone who refuses to be groped. Wait a minute, they’re groping us. Literally, groping us. Oh my God! I’ve been molested! Help! Help!”