Washington DC – Employees of the TSA claim poor leadership and a culture of retaliation are making it harder for the Administration to address security gaps.
“You wouldn’t believe how horrible they are!” exclaimed an employee. “They hired me! No, that’s not a joke. I was in jail for stabbing a whole mess of people and then they were like, ‘hey, you want a job?’ and I was like, ‘can I stab people?’ and they were like, ‘no, but you can grope them.'” As he put on a new set of latex gloves he added, “I was so in.”
“I don’t know if there are gaps,” said a White House official. “After all, nothing bad has happened since we took office.” Over the laughter he added, “we’ll just edit that out when we show this in our three million acre Presidential library. Oh yes, we’re legendary and invincible. Literally.”
The TSA called the report “untrue”, “we shot all whistleblowers and deserters” and “that’s the only way to control people: force. Or stripping them down and removing any sense of humanity. Whatever works, really.”
“So are they improving their security or… oh,” said a terrorist as he boarded a plane. “Man, we should have done this instead of flying to a meeting where we talk about our next attack. Right?” He looked around, then yelled, “anyone profiling me will be sued!” He then gave a smug smile, knowing he was now invincible, surrounded by an impregnable politically correct shield.