New York, NY – The website LeakedSource said it received a cache of Twitter data that contains thirty two million records, including passwords.
“Now that we have all these passwords, let’s do some damage!” yelled a hacker. “First, I’m going to redact a witty comment about sandwiches. Okay, let’s find that tweet. Okay. Now let’s get the user name and… hold on, lemme search here for the password. Got it. Okay, now, log in and… oh, they changed their password. Okay, let’s find another- oh, that’s the bell, I gotta get to class!”
“Someone figured out my password?” yelled a woman. “So they know my kids’ names? Oh my God, are they watching us right now?” She looked around her kitchen, then leaned in and whispered, “are they listening? Blink twice if they’re holding you hostage. Wait, was that two blinks or one? Wait, why aren’t you blinking. Wait.”
The website also revealed “websites that reveal things are often hacked”, “who’s to say someone hasn’t already hacked this site and is revealing information about it” and “no, we’re cool. It’s just worth thinking about if it ever happens. Which it might, but hasn’t. But really, it might.”
“So should I cancel my credit cards?” asked a concerned consumer. “What? Oh, I thought something significant was hacked.” After a long pause he added, “because this is simply people sniping each other or commenting on stupid pop culture things. Also, zing.”