Uber Raises Uber Bucks

San Francisco, CA РIn its quest to build a global empire, Uber has turned to the Middle East and raised three and a half billion dollars from Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund.

“We’re very happy to invest,” said a prince. “Mostly because it will keep women from driving, because we all know what happens to a society when women drive.” He then made a few hand gestures that ended with a mock ambulance taking him away, trying to defibrillate him, and then calling the time of death. We couldn’t help but laugh, and admit we lost our objectivity. Sure, it was well-worn comedy, but an old chestnut.

“That’s some uber cash,” said an Uber driver. “And not the kind of Uber cash that’s company specific which may only be used for Uber rides or gifts for dads and grads.” He looked around the empty car, adding, “who am I talking to?”

Other companies have turned to the Middle East for cash, including “Nuclear Centrifuge Inc.”, “Kill the Infidels, LLC” and “We’ve Literally Already Gotten Into Your Country And Will Murder You All, a wholly owned subsidiary of Death To America Group.”

“So are they evil now?” asked a ninety-nine percenter. “I mean, other companies we’ve railed against have a lot less money, but aren’t as cool, so… I’m not sure what to do. Someone tell me what to be mad about. Please!”