Uber/Lyft Drivers Flee Under Slightest Scrutiny

Austin, TX – On-demand ride companies Uber and Lyft suffered an embarrassing defeat in an election in the weird city of Texas, as voters backed a measure requiring fingerprint background checks for drivers.

“The only reason I took this job was because I didn’t have to check a box that said ‘prior conviction,'” said our Uber driver. “I mean, I remember looking down at the bodies, thinking, ‘man, I am not going to get a job after this.’ Yeah, you’d think you’d freak out after killing and eating thirteen people but you’re surprisingly calm. Anyway, you guys want the radio? We got great stations out here!”

“What’s next, doing a background check on teachers?” yelled a ride share executive. “This is ridiculous! Can’t we all just hope that the people who show up, lock you in a car, and hopefully take you to where you ask are sane, rational people?” As he lit his office on fire, he yelled, “I’m gonna burn some more interns and then have a handful of cocaine! Screw you, sanity!”

The United Taxicab Drivers of Greater Austin called the election results “great, bro”, “come on, my main mans, you know we best in business!” and “yes, yes, this is fastest way from airport. I do this long time, bro. Seventy dollar trip is worth it, no? Sorry, eighty five dollar.”

“It’s not a big deal,” said one driver. “And we all haven’t left. In fact, a lot of people have joined to fill the openings. But, yeah, if you just read this one story, we’re all criminals who fled to Dallas.”