Unemployment Down, Mostly Because Two Thirds Of All Americans Aren’t Looking For Jobs

Washington DC – The Labor Department’s Bureau of Labor Statistics reported a record ninety four million Americans were not in the labor force in May and the labor force participation rate dropped two-tenths of a point to sixty two percent.

“Look, we won,” said a White House official. “The number that everyone uses to judge employment is way down, so let’s not dig too deep, okay, fellas?” After popped the cork on the champagne bottle, he added, “let’s all get drunk! It’s [expletive deleted]ing Friday and our legacy is secured! Friday!!”

“But I don’t have a job!” said a citizen. “And I haven’t had one for almost two years? Don’t I count?” When we explained that he was a privileged white man and didn’t deserve a job or respect, he apologized and left. We later found he drifted around for a few years, eventually took to drugs, and killed himself at fifty two. Yeah, grim, but we believe in thorough reporting.

The Labor Department also noted “man, digging is sure hard labor”, “hey! Wait, why are we doing Labor? We’re not the… ohhh, we saw what you did there” and “then what does the Department of Agriculture do? Ew.”

“So, at the end of the day, we’re playing politics in every aspect of American life,” said a woman. “Do you think that will get things done or just make it sound like we’re getting things done whilst getting fodder to blame a person or group? Well, then you’re an idiot.”