Update: Heat Causes Fire

Fresno, CA – Officials say a searing heat wave is fueling at least a dozen wildfires across the West and has killed at least five people.

“Finally!” said a reporter. “Some deaths! We were all worried that no one was going to die from this heat. I mean, what’s the point unless we can yell about death?” He took a deep breath then yelled, “so many people are going to die! This is literally the best day of my life! Yes, above my children’s birth and my parent’s deaths! This doesn’t make me a horrible person!”

“I never knew that it could get so hot,” said an elderly man. “I’ve lived here my whole life and I’ve never experienced this. Unless… was it hot last year? Well, maybe I pass out every year from the heat and then forget. It could be a thing, right? Wait, who are you? Sure, you can have the money. Will you take a check?”

The Fire Department called the fire “hot”, “wild” and “are you seriously coming to us for a statement about fire? What do you think we can tell you that you don’t already know? And haven’t you considered the fact that you’re wasting our time with interviews when we could be fighting the fire? Yes, look down in shame. Shame.”

“That’s for the update, mister!” yelled a kid. “No, I’m being sarcastic, you stupid [expletive deleted]! Yeah, I do kiss my mom with this mouth. That’s one more girl you’ll never kiss, you [expletive deleted]ed [expletive deleted]!” He continued to say some very hurtful things, so we left.