US Cities Grow At A Non-Alarming Rate

Washington DC – According to new US Census Bureau data released today, all but one of the nation’s twenty largest cities saw their population grow last year, with metropolises like Austin, Denver and Houston among those seeing the most significant growth.

“Oh, that’s right, we’re releasing six year old information like it’s new,” said a Census Bureau worker. “Oh, and this just in: people are moving around and settling in new areas. Home development is on the rise and looks to never stop! 2005 is the best year ever! Yes, that was sarcasm. And yes, we’re very aware of ourselves. Very.”

“Well ain’t that just a kick in the saddle,” said a country boy. “I thought there ain’t no more of them folks commin’ around here. Now it makes sense: gentrification and restructin’ urban centers for not only public use, but to enhance city culture and, by extension, that region’s economy.” He spat, then added, “damn.”

The Bureau also found “fifty of the nation’s largest cities are declining”, “a hundred of the nation’s largest city populations are remaining steady” and “two hundred of the nation’s largest cities exist. Yeah, we couldn’t process that much data in six years. Give us another thirty and we’ll have some mind-blowing stuff for you.”

“So?” asked a Chinese diplomat. “You have cities with people!” After a long pause he jumped up and yelled, “what does that have to do with our declaration of an all out trade war? How could you treat your people like that? Horrible!”