US Citizens Keep Dying And No One Knows Why

Washington DC – According to new federal data, the overall death rate ticked up in 2015 for the first time in many years.

“Why?” yelled a woman at her aunt’s funeral. “She was only eighty three! It’s not fair!” When we tried to express our condolences whilst pointing out that statistically she outpaced a lot of her peers, the distraught woman yelled, “I thought I said no press!”

“Oh, yeah,” said a federal data analyzer. “I wanted to do some new math stuff and it just didn’t work, so I spent the last five years re-doing the data from the first five years. Anyway, we’re all dying a lot more and damned if I know why.” He shrugged before falling down a set of stairs and dying.

Congress claimed “we can battle this with more education”, “if we start programs to keep people alive for just one more year, we could save hundreds of millions of lives” and “oh, so you don’t want to spend an extra trillion dollars to keep very old people alive slightly more? You’re a cold-hearted bastard! We’re gonna make that sort of thinking illegal! Death to all those opposed to death! No, you’ve gone too far! You have!”

“The best thing we can all do is stay calm,” said a man on the bus. “Shut up! Stay calm!” Turned out he was very high, a fact we discovered after he bolted from the bus yelling about horses and was hit by several cars.