New York, NY – According to a new analysis, the United States lags well behind other advanced democracies when it comes to churning out young workers with college degrees in math and science.

“This analysis was done by a US scientist,” said a South Korean. “So it comes as no surprise that it took him almost eight years from the release of the original study to the analysis. You can see here, written in crayon on the bottom of the first page, he wrote ‘sorry this is super late. Had car issues.’ Who was this even written for?”

“Nah, we’re cool,” said a drunk US envoy to the UN. “Come on, guys, we’re totally cool, right? Don’t be like that. Guys, come on, don’t be like that. Guys?”

A spokesman for the Earth Institute for Science called the analysis “spot on”, “it’s the main reason the US was excluded from the Institute” and “what are we doing? Advancing science by leaps and bounds. What are you doing? Exactly.”

“I’m not smart?” asked a teen. “Then what? My parents were lying to me? Oh my God, are you serious? Wait, are you serious? No, I’m not being snarky, I honestly can’t follow what you’re saying. Are you serious?”