Damascus, Syria – Over the weekend the US announced that it has withdrawn all embassy personnel and their family members from Syria as the Bashar regime escalates its crackdown on protesters.

“This place is pretty the same,” said an ambassador. “It’s always been a [expletive deleted]hole, it’s just people started paying attention to it.” He pointed to a poorly built mud hut and added, “that was our building, it was once called the ‘jewel of Damascus.’ What a [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]hole.”

“What? Why are they leaving?” asked a top Syrian official as he toured a hospital. “We’re totally going to stop killing people, watch!” He then shot several sleeping people before turning the gun on the doctors. During a reload he added, “classic Syria.”

The UN called the move “long overdue”, “dude, it took you this long to figure out that Syria had degraded from normal [expletive deleted]hole to extraordinary [expletive deleted]hole?” and “oh, that’s not judgement. That’s the facts as they were presented in our (1984) paper entitled ‘Syria: A complete [expletive deleted]hole.’”

“Another back-water country falls into civil war after years of being ruled by a dictator?” asked a top NATO officer. “Who cares? It’s not like we have anything invested in- what? We can blow stuff up? Gentlemen? To the bomb machines! Sorry, to the planes! It was a long weekend.”