US Has More Oil But Still Needs Methadone-Style Oil Treatment To Kick Oil Habit

Houston, TX – According to a new study the US holds more oil reserves than Saudi Arabia and Russia, the first time it has surpassed those held by the world’s biggest exporting nations.

“So we’ve won?” asked a car driver. “It doesn’t feel like we’ve won.” He looked at his hybrid car, adding, “is it because I’ve been robbed of my hunter instinct, the very thing that pushes me to want more and work harder, making myself and my country, great? Because that’s been long gone. Thanks a lot… umm, sorry, I shouldn’t blame. Shame on me.”

“But, you need us!” yelled a prince. “If you don’t buy our oil then you won’t turn a blind eye to our many, many, many, many, many, human rights violations and our many, many, many, many, many terrorist camps! Wait, that should be many to the fifth power, not five many’s.” He shrugged, adding, “what can I say?”

OPEC called the report “lies”, “you know what? We’re still in control of the market and we can crash the whole thing with a single sentence, so back the [expletive deleted] off” and “that’s right, it’s called mutually assured destruction and we’re that [expletive deleted]ing crazy! We’ll do it! Back off!”

“Fracking might have given us the edge, but all of our water is on fire,” said a local man. “Look!” After several hours of trying to light water on fire he added, “whatever. Like anyone follows up on anything.”