US Tries To Break Whooping Cough Record

Washington DC – Health officials announced the US is on course for a record year for whooping cough.

“Yeah!” said a CDC official. “New record! It’s a blue ribbon year! A red banner year! A white cloth over a fresh corpse year!” He high-fived two lower-level workers, adding, “I know you’re feelin’ it, Donny. Come on, Sal, celebrate! Thousands are gonna die! Yeah!”

“Oh, my child isn’t vaccinated,” said a mother. “Why? Umm, because I heard those vaccinations cause mutations like leg wings or chest thumbs. Yeah, I read that [celebrity] didn’t have their kid vaccinated, so that’s all the proof I need. Also, who knows what’s in those things? I’d rather… Bobby? Bobby, get up! Bobby?”

The Guinness Book of World Records declined to comment, noting “we’re not sending someone out to verify the numbers”, “we would never send a representative to such a sick and impoverished nation” and “stop calling us. Please, stop calling.”

“Disease? Heat? Floods? Earthquakes?” said member of a regional church. “Maybe the preacher was right. Maybe this is the end.” She sat back in her chair and began surfing the web, adding, “well, time to start living.”

Report filed by Editor at 11:01 am