{ May }
16

Mysterious Alien Craft Buzzed Denver And Nowhere Else

Denver, CO – A mystery object that flew over Denver Monday evening is raising questions and prompted the Federal Aviation Administration to investigate.

“We’re going to investigate that thing that happened a few days ago,” said an FAA official. “We should start in a week or so and conclude something in a few whatevers.” He kicked his feet up on his desk and added, “sorry, but the union rules say I don’t have to say anything else. Sucker.”

“That wasn’t us,” said an Air Force Commander. “We fly our super secret missions on Thursday, usually over Canadian woodlands.” He pointed north and added, “preparing for the inevitable.” He then gave a curt nod and slowly evaporated into the night air.

The TSA called the object “unauthorized!”, “until we can grab its junk and humiliate it front of its family, it’s not cleared” and “we’ll shut this whole airport down, have you arrested, put you on a list and make you pay a fine! Sorry, knee-jerk reaction. What was your question? Arrested!”

“If it were aliens, wouldn’t they fly over other cities?” asked a skeptic. “Or is this yet another UFO story that supposes aliens instead of investigating the truth: a small plane flew by the tower and sleeping air traffic controllers didn’t see it until it was too late. Is it?”

Cannibal Shrimp Make US A Living Hell

New Orleans, LA – According to a report from the US Geological Survey, cannibal shrimp, jumbo-sized shrimp which look more like a small lobster than the little pink crustaceans you see at the grocery store, have increased ten times in the last year. “They’ll eat the flesh right off you bones,” said an elderly man who claims to be the sole survivor of the ’52 ...

Animal Bullying Reaches All Time High

Los Angeles, CA – A lone dolphin that has spent the past five days swimming in the Bolsa Chica wetlands in Southern California may be the victim of bullying. “This story has everything: water, animals, bullying,” said an LA reporter as he wiped the drool from this mouth. “But why? What did we do that would make an animal bullied? The oil spill? No, too ...

Animals Cause Nuclear Meltdown

Barstow, CA – The workers of the Diablo Canyon nuclear power plant received a very slimy surprise this week when they discovered hoards of jellyfish-like creatures clinging to the structure, leading to the shutdown of the plant. “Jellyfish are the suicide bombers of the Animal Kingdom,” said biologist Dr. Jeffery Feitberg. “Anyone that says differently ...

Winter Is Back!

Buffalo, NY – A large snowstorm came barreling through the Northeast today, threatening to drop sixteen inches in some areas and frustrate commuters. “We’re angry,” said a Northeastern city official. “We just put all of our winter stuff away in boxes and now we have to take it all out again! Yes, we box up ...

Recent Job Figures Show Horrible, Horrible Things

Washington DC – The recent jobs figures for February show a great variation among the country’s largest metropolitan areas. While some are doing extremely well, others are plagued with astronomical unemployment rates that are getting even worse. “It’s basically Russian Roulette,” said a Washington insider. “And to further complicate matters, we’re only going to help ...

Everything’s Bigger In Texas, Especially Death

Dallas, TX – The National Weather Service, the Texas Department of Transportation and a local sheriff say four feet of hail fell in an area north of Amarillo. “We’re not saying that at any second you could be knocked out and buried under four feet of ice,” said a National Weather Service official. “We’re simply ...

Congrats, You’re Accepted Into UCLA, Psyche!

Los Angeles, CA – UCLA is apologizing for mistakenly sending almost nine hundred applicants emails congratulating them on getting into the highly competitive school. “Look to the left, now to the right, now to yourself,” said a school administrator to a crowd of incoming freshman. “Everyone who you just saw didn’t get in.” He pulled ...
US Archives