Washington DC – On the verge of reporting historic losses, the US Postal Service is launching a new TV advertising campaign designed to slow the migration away from snail mail.

“We’re really in a bind here,” said the assistant to the Postmaster General. “So instead of making the rational business move: downsizing, cutting costs and reevaluating or product, we’re going to take a shot at the other guys. Literally. We’ve instructed our carriers to shoot anyone using email.”

“It’s insulting that our government thinks we can be won over by a television ad,” said an American. “I’m not a slave to big- ohhhhh, shiny.” She pressed her face against the jewelry store glass and whispered, “one day.”

The Canadian Postal Service was unavailable for comment, as the rest of the worth seems to have made the adjustment to email almost two decades ago.

“Just the thought of the Post Office working on an ad campaign makes me wonder if email is such a good idea,” said a guy at the taco truck. “They obviously have enough money to make a commercial, then they obviously can handle our personal correspondence. Who would you rather trust, a robot that reads your mail and then sends you ads based on that mail, or a guy with a short fuse and a gun. Problem solved.”