New York, NY – A string of excessive heat warnings were issued by the National Weather Service early today with temperatures expected to soar to one hundred degrees and more in much of the United States.
“We know it should be hot, but not this hot,” said a National Weather Service scientist during an outdoor press conference. “We have specific ranges of hot and when it gets too hot, legally, we have to tell you. Hot is hot, but hot hot or hot hot hot is too hot for hot hot hot hot hot…” After a few minutes of mumbling hot he fell to the ground.
“The summer shouldn’t be hot!” shouted a global warming believer. “I never remembered summers being this hot! It’s your fault it’s this hot. You’re pumping deadly global warming gasses into the air!” When we explained that all humans exhale carbon dioxide she shouted, “bigot! Racist! Elitist! You want to kill children! Ummm… you hate minorities!”
The EU called the warnings “too little, too late”, “the US must disband” and “how do you like it? Huh? How do you- what? Damn it, Italy, don’t join them! Ugh, excuse us.”
“Yeah, that’ll happen,” said old timer Garth McCallum. “Them summers, they can get hot. Now what I do is put some wet towels in the freezer over there and then put em on my neck if i get too hot. The fan helps too.” He shrugged and went back to playing Bejewled on his iPad, adding, “you best figure it out.”