Trenton, NJ – A first-of-its-kind study published last week in the The Journal of Applied Physiology found that wearing high heels could lead to permanent damage of the calf muscles by increasing the mechanical strain on the muscles and shortening the muscles’ fibers.

“We were staring at [assistant] Tammy’s legs one day and [Doctor] Jerry [Biffulphitz] said, ‘I hope that when she dies, her legs stay here’,” said Dr. Roger Vebril. “Well, we all had a good laugh, but then I wondered out-loud: what if those legs of hers are really killing her? Turns out, they were. The funeral is tomorrow, by the way.”

“So you want me to be ugly?” asked a woman. “Is that what you want? Because let me tell you, that’s what you’re going to get.” She then made a very ugly face whilst adding, “happy? Are you happy now? Look at how hideous I’ve become! Look at me!”

The National Flats Association called the study “maybe the best thing to happen since that thing where women fall down when they catch their heel in a grate”, “yeah, we’re pretty vindictive. Mostly because we’re on the heavy side” and “but we can always cha-cha. That is, if anyone would dance with us. Wait, don’t leave! Wait!”

“The idea that women suffer to look good is ridiculous,” said a man. “They know what they’re doing and we’re not gonna stop them. What’s next, the bra is ruining breasts? No, it is? Damn you, damn you to hell!” After straightening his tie and flushing his urinal he added, “see ya around.”