When Boulders Attack

Athens, OH – A huge boulder, about twenty five feet in diameter, broke free from a hillside knocked down phone, power and cable lines as it rolled, and only stopped after crushing the cars and tearing off part of a house.

“This is a grim reminder that rocks are dangerous,” said geologist Dr. Tarren Vulchez. “Every day over five million rocks, from pebbles to boulders, roll around, killing untold billions.” He looked at his notes and added, “hold on, that’s not right. And it’s Darren, not Tarren. Bobby? Is my assistant Bobby here? Well if you see him can you tell him he’s fired? I don’t care if he’s on a coffee run, he’s fired.”

“Hold on, guys,” said the leader of a terrorist cell. “Two things. One, maybe we should just roll a few boulders into the city instead of the EMP. Two, maybe we should stop inviting the press to our meetings. Oh, that’s funny, [name omitted]. Well, maybe, you should go [expletive deleted] yourself. I don’t care how I look in front of the press!”

The American Rock Association called the damage “unavoidable”, “it’s why we say things like ‘solid as a rock’ and ‘rock solid’” and “we really don’t have any other saying besides those two. Wait, what about ‘rock you like a hurricane?’ It’s kinda relevant.”

“Time to clean up,” said insurance agent John Miller. “Every sucker from here to Akron will be buying rock insurance. Looks like my kid is going to go to Baylor.” He cleared his throat and added, “praise be.”

Report filed by Editor at 9:00 am