Denver, CO – Presidential candidate Santorum swept the primary contests in Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri last night, beating front-runner Romney.

“The Democrats now know they can beat us,” said a Republican. “They see us as weak and unorganized. I mean, look at us, all these guys vying to be the candidate. It’s embarrassing. No wonder why women started voting.” After a long pause he added, “what? You were all thinking it. No? Oh.”

“We’re not worried,” said a top White House aide. “Our record alone will get us reelected.” He cleared his throat several times before adding, “okay, we’re hoping their guy just says something stupid and we win by default. Either way, we’re gonna make sure America becomes socialist by 2016.”

Members of the Electoral College called last night’s votes “pointless”, “it’s non-binding. None of this matters. We’re not sure why they bothered to do anything at all” and “now if you’ll excuse us, there are some coeds we need to [expletive deleted]. What, we’re in college, that’s what we do.”

“Some day we’ll look back at this and laugh,” said a voter. “I’m thinking Friday at the latest. Seriously, go back and read all the hoopla from the 2008 election, it’s a joke. None of this day-to-da,y back-and-forth, he-said-she-said matters. Remember kids, voting is stupid.”