Washington DC – The White House says it will propose more than one hundred twenty million dollars in federal spending over the next two years to train new scientists, pay for new research, and offering prizes for the best new ideas on how to understand how these bacteria, viruses, yeast and fungi function and how they can be put to work for humanity.
“Well, ‘working to better humanity’ is putting the best possible spin on it,” said a White House insider. “Mostly, we want to figure out the best way to control people and it turns out bacterial infection is the most cost efficient.” He shrugged, adding, “worked on the media. Okay, see, we never did that, but we did plant the idea that the media is biased, so the media is the victim, so you then forget the bias and listen to them. How is that confusing? Here, drink this.”
“Come on!” said a scientist. “Only one hundred twenty million? You know we need at least two hundred seven million! I mean, we all have very, very expensive houses which, in turn, carry very expensive taxes. Do it or we’ll poison a city. Thank you!”
The White House also proposed millions for researching “the best way to research what needs researching”, “more research on raising resource taxes” and “taxing research, inclining research on research taxes.”
“This sort of waste won’t stand!” yelled a Congressman. “I vow to fight this right up until my re-election. Then I will quickly and quietly forget it ever happened. Vote for me!”