London, UK – Europe’s naval force patrolling off the coast East Africa said it had attacked Somali pirate installations on land, the first time it had conducted such an action since extending its remit from strictly to sea-based operations.
“It’s time we take action,” said a UK diplomat. “We’re ready to recognize that pirates have been active for eight years and it’s high time we do something about it!” He picked up his tea, took a sip and then added, “probably. No? Okay, let’s debate how we’re going to debate this.”
“What the hell?” asked a pirate. “Since when can a nation attack a pirate? We’re the fun, whimsical thieves of the high seas. Sure, we kill innocent people, we drink, we whore, we stink like a dog’s corpse, but that’s our thing, man. Don’t kill us for it.”
The nations of Africa called the attack “an outright provocation”, “we need to join together and fend off these barbarians” and “they’re trying to destroy our very way of life! No, you don’t get to call us pirates. That’s racist.”
“It’s good to see they’re looking out for us,” said a London bookstore owner. “Now I don’t have to leave my flat thinking, ‘oh boy, I hope the pirates don’t get me.’” He cleared his throat and added, “I’m not going to tell you if that’s sarcasm, wit or truth. You’ll have to figure it out yourself.”
