Europe Attacks Africa

London, UK – Europe’s naval force patrolling off the coast East Africa said it had attacked Somali pirate installations on land, the first time it had conducted such an action since extending its remit from strictly to sea-based operations.

“It’s time we take action,” said a UK diplomat. “We’re ready to recognize that pirates have been active for eight years and it’s high time we do something about it!” He picked up his tea, took a sip and then added, “probably. No? Okay, let’s debate how we’re going to debate this.”

“What the hell?” asked a pirate. “Since when can a nation attack a pirate? We’re the fun, whimsical thieves of the high seas. Sure, we kill innocent people, we drink, we whore, we stink like a dog’s corpse, but that’s our thing, man. Don’t kill us for it.”

The nations of Africa called the attack “an outright provocation”, “we need to join together and fend off these barbarians” and “they’re trying to destroy our very way of life! No, you don’t get to call us pirates. That’s racist.”

“It’s good to see they’re looking out for us,” said a London bookstore owner. “Now I don’t have to leave my flat thinking, ‘oh boy, I hope the pirates don’t get me.’” He cleared his throat and added, “I’m not going to tell you if that’s sarcasm, wit or truth. You’ll have to figure it out yourself.”

UK Has A “Slight” Drinking Problem

London, UK – Health experts say binge drinking has reached crisis levels in Britain, costing the cash-strapped National Health Service over two and a half billion pounds a year, including the cost of hospital admissions related to booze-fueled violence and longer-term health problems. “If you knew the world was ending, what would you do?” asked a British Parliamentarian as he pounded another pint. “Sure, still ...

Japanese To Be Extinct By 3012

Tokyo, Japan – Japanese researchers unveiled a population clock that showed the nation’s people could theoretically become extinct in one thousand years because of declining birth rates. “First of all, why is it an analogue clock?” asked a Japanese man. “We’re supposed to be cutting edge. Secondly, why does a little wooden samurai come out and chop off the head of a little wooden Japanese ...

US “Worried” Over Israeli Plans To “Bomb” Iran, Flippant Use Of “Air Quotes”

Washington DC – The United States is worried that Israel’s Prime Minister’s new unity government could attack on Iran’s nuclear facilities at any given moment. “A united government means action,” said a top Washington diplomat. “And the last thing we need right now is action. Sweet God, we do not need action.” He very slowly ...

North Eastern Hemisphere Falls To Third Best Hemisphere

Paris, France – Over the weekend, Francois Hollande won the French presidential election and Vladimir Putin was sworn in as Russia’s president. “Sure, things are bad, but they could be so much worse,” said a White House official. “I mean, we could be like those countries, holding open elections, voting, listening to the will of ...

Canada In Revolt

Montreal, Canada – The Quebec government said it will resume talks with university student leaders after eighty five people were arrested in riotous protests by thousands of people in Montreal over planned tuition hikes. “We always suspected they had a violent streak,” said a State Department official as he donned a protective vest. “But we ...

North Korea Still Confusing “Worst Option” With “Best Option”, R’s And L’s

Beijing, China – North Korea has almost completed preparations for a third nuclear test, a senior source with close ties to Pyongyang and Beijing told Reuters, which will draw further international condemnation following a failed rocket launch if it goes ahead. “So, they plan to go through with it,” said a top UN official. “Then ...

North Korea Returns To Tried And True ‘Insane Saber Rattling’ Policy

Seoul, South Korea – North Korea’s military has threatened to reduce South Korea’s conservative government “to ashes” in “three of four minutes” which is an escalation of its recent belligerent language. “This is all we know!” shouted a North Korean official. “All we can do is yell and threaten! That is how we show love!” ...