Washington DC – A new report shows parents have little access to their children’s virtual “permanent record” which include test scores, economic status, grades and even disciplinary problems and student pregnancies.

“When we made the No Child Left Behind program, it was mostly to monitor every child in America,” said a top Department of Education official. “We figured if we could track them, we could control them. If we could control them, we’d have an unlimited supply of organ donors. And, of course, if we had an unlimited amount of organ donors, we can beat the Chinese.”

“Oh, we read those things all the time,” said Mrs. Winston. “It’s the only thing that gets us through the day. Knowing those stupid bastards are going be chewed though the system and come out the other side as little mashed up idiots. God, I hate those [expletive deleted]ing monsters.”

The PTA calle the report “proof that we could do a better job”, “who knows more about teaching than busy-bodies, helicopter mothers and emotionally unstable social pariah? No one, that’s who!” and “n-word, whaaaaa? What? We’re got a lot more street cred ever since we formed in the urban areas.”

“I’m sure I didn’t get that job because of some permanent record,” said an unemployed fifty two year old man. “I mean, that was forty years ago. They wouldn’t hold onto that information for forty years, would they? Oh my God. What if they found out about that time I threw dirt at those girls? Damn you, permanent record!”