You’re Killing Your Kids By Keeping Them Awake

Boston, MA – The new American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) guidelines claim at least twenty percent of twelve-year-olds get less than the recommended nine hours of sleep per night and there is increasing evidence that this impacts learning and memory.

“You need us,” said an Academy member. “Without us, you wouldn’t be sleeping. No, I’m serious, you wouldn’t sleep without us. You know those grants and federal funding that’ve bought this building, given us cars, gotten us those retreats to Hawaii? That barely scratches the surface of why you need us. Obey! Obey the Academy. Very good, now… sleep!”

“My kid is always awake,” said a father. “Ugh, I’m so sick of it. And now science is telling me that I’m right? I should have my kids sleeping for years on end?” When we tried to explain the basics of the study he jumped out of his chair and yelled, “oh crap! I gotta go! I totally forgot I left a few of them in the car! Damn it, where are my keys?”

The guidelines also claim “you need to dream more”, “we’re totally not going to take your stuff when you sleep” and “why would you ask why would we say that? That’s super weird! No, you’re being super weird. No you are!”

“I’m doing just fine,” said a teen as she drank her third cup of coffee. “Everyone knows you don’t need that much sleep what with coffee. Hey, has there ever been a study about teens and coffee? Really? What did- oh no. Really? But I can’t stop… wait, help!”